Blazing Mutants
by Matt Briddell
Summary: Yet another parody of a Mel Brooks movie. I'm trimming the language in this one down a bit to avoid making it too offensive.
1. Disclaimer

Blazing Mutants  
  
Since doing parodies of Mel Brooks movies seems to be the trend this week, I am 'officially' claiming the license to parody Blazing Saddles. Enjoy! 


	2. Workin' on the railroad

Madrox Studios Presents: Blazing Mutants!  
  
"He wore a blazing saddle, he wore a shining star, his job to offer battle, to bad men near and far.  
  
He conquered fear and he conquered hate, He turned our night into day, He made his blazing saddle a torch to light the way!  
  
When outlaws ruled the west, and fear filled the land, A cry went up for a man with guts, to take the west in hand They needed a man who was brave and true, with justice for all his aim, When out of the sun rode a man with a gun, and Forge was his name, Yes Forge was his name!  
  
He wore a blazing saddle, he wore a shining star, his job to offer battle, to bad men near and far.  
  
He conquered fear and he conquered hate, He turned our night into day He made his blazing saddle a torch to light the way!"  
  
"That's great, Scott!" said Jamie, sitting in his director's chair. "You'll be perfect for our intro singer,"  
  
"Am I going to get an actual part in this movie?" Scott asked.  
  
"Um, I'm still working on the casting. I'll let you know, ok?" Jamie said. He was working on his project for film school, and he had chosen to re- produce the classic movie, "Blazing Saddles".  
  
As he poured over scripts, trying to decide which of his friends to cast for the appropriate roles in the movie, Xavier wheeled into the screening room.  
  
"Professor, we're a little busy here today," Jamie said. "We've got 20 more people to cast, so I really can't be bothered right now,"  
  
"Jamie, I wanted to have a word with you about your project," Xavier said, ignoring the aspiring director's complaints. "I don't know if you're aware of this, but Blazing Saddles was one of the most offensive movies of its time when it was first made. I'm afraid you're going to have to make some major revisions to the language of your movie, otherwise it's bound to offend the readers,"  
  
"Professor! We can't go into re-writes now!" Jamie protested. "We shoot tomorrow!"  
  
"Jamie," Xavier said sternly.  
  
"Oh, fine," Jamie muttered, and paged his screenwriters to let them know that they would be working overtime yet again.  
  
X  
  
Amara looked at her pager as it beeped. "He wants us to rewrite it AGAIN?!" she asked. "This is the fourth time!"  
  
"We're gonna be up all night for this! I have school tomorrow!" Jubilee complained. "Why'd we agree to help him with this anyway?"  
  
"Because if he goes to film school," Rahne said, "then he won't be around HERE anymore. Now come on, let's get started," she said, and the three mutants sat down to make more revisions to the script.  
  
X  
  
The next day, Xavier approved the revisions, and they were ready to start filming. They configured the Danger Room to project a holographic image of the American West circa 1875, and began to shoot. Jamie took his place in his director's chair and took a look at his script.  
  
"This is the best you could come up with?" Jamie asked Amara, pointing to a particular line.  
  
"Well, we can't make any kind of racial or ethnic slurs, so this will have to do," she said. "Besides, it makes sense if you think about it, having mutants be freed slaves after the Civil War,"  
  
"Alright, let's just start already," Jamie said, a bit upset at having to change the story. "Ok, places everyone, and ACTION!" he shouted.  
  
X  
  
The camera panned across the scenic landscape of the Danger Room as Scott sang the opening credits. As he finished, the camera zoomed in on a stretch of railroad that snaked its way through the desert. Bobby, Ray, Sam, Amara, Roberto, Rahne, Kitty, Rogue, Evan, and several dozen people were working under the hot desert sun with picks, shovels, and hammers to lay track. They all had one thing in common; they were all mutants, most of whom were former slaves who were trying to earn a living after being liberated in the Civil War. Among them was Forge. Forge had been with the company for several months. He was an engineering genius, and with his mechanical arm was able to fashion any kind of tool and do just about any kind of job needed. However, his talents and his unique ability made him an object of scorn rather than praise in the eyes of his employers.  
  
As Forge and the other men worked, a handcart carrying several men in cowboy outfits approached along the rails. It came to a stop, and Toad stepped down off the cart. He looked at the workers who were sweltering in the heat and shook his head.  
  
"Come on, boys!" he shouted. "The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and shovels, you'd think it was 120 degrees. Can't be more than 114!" he said with a laugh. The other men on the cart laughed along with him. Suddenly, Ranhe keeled over, exhausted from the heat.  
  
"Dock that mutie a day's pay for nappin' on the job," Toad said unsympathetically as some other workers picked up the collapsed mutant and carried him away. Toad turned back to the other workers. Forge watched Toad with an angry eye. He hated Toad for the way he treated the workers.  
  
"Now come on, boys, where's your spirit?" Toad asked the dejected workers. "Why ain't you singin? Back when you were slaves, you sang like birds! Now come on, how about a good ol' mutie work song?"  
  
Forge whispered to some of the other workers and then turned back to Toad and began to croon like Sammy Davis.  
  
"I get no kick from champagne," he sang, while the other workers sang acapella behind him.  
  
"Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, so tell me, Why should it be true, that I get a belt out of you?"  
  
The workers picked up the tempo on their backgrounds. "Ba bum bum ba bum ba bum," they sang as Forge continued into the next verse.  
  
"Some get a kick from cocai-ai-aine,"  
  
"Hold it, hold it! What the hell is that crap?" Toad asked. "I meant a real song, like Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," he sang.  
  
"Swing Low, Sweet Chariot?" the workers asked, confused.  
  
"Don't know that one, huh?" Toad said. "Well, how about The Camptown Ladies?"  
  
"The Camptown Ladies?" Forge asked. "The Camptown Ladies?" echoed the workers.  
  
"Oh, you know!" Toad said, and started waving his hands as he sung. "The Camptown ladies sing this song, doo dah, doo dah," The other men that were with Toad joined in and began dancing around.  
  
"The camptown racetrack's five miles long, all the doo dah day. Gonna run all night, gonna ride all day, bet my money on the bobtail nag, somebody bet on the bay!"  
  
Just then, shots rang out as Lance rode up on a horse. "What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?" he asked angrily. "I hired you people to get some track laid, not dance around like a bunch of Kansas City fairies!"  
  
"Sorry, Mr. Taggart!" Toad said apologetically. "Guess we kinda got caught up,"  
  
"Listen, dummy," Lance said. "The surveyors say we might have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out,"  
  
"Ok, I'll send out a team of horses to check out the ground," Toad said.  
  
Lance smacked Toad in the head, crushing his hat. "You dummy! We can't afford to lose no horses! Send over a couple of muties," he said.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Taggert," Toad said as Lance rode off. He turned to the workers and saw his favorite targets of abuse. "You, and you," he said, pointing at Forge and Evan.  
  
Forge took off his hat and walked up to Toad. "Sir," he said humbly. "He specifically requested two 'muties'. Well, to let you in on a family secret, my grandmother was human,"  
  
Toad was unimpressed. "Get on that handcart and head down to the end of that line!" he ordered.  
  
"Just trying to help you out," Forge said.  
  
"Git!" Toad shouted, and Forge and Evan climbed onto the cart and started pushing.  
  
"You said your grandma was human!" Evan laughed. They started singing Camptown Ladies as the cart rolled along the tracks. Suddenly, the cart came to an abrupt stop and began to sink.  
  
"Forge?" Evan asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Am I wrong, or is the world rising?" Evan asked nervously.  
  
"I don't know," Forge said as they sank farther and farther. "But whatever it is, I hate it!"  
  
After a few seconds, they were buried up to their chins in the ground.  
  
"Hey, Evan?" Forge asked. "What is it that's not exactly water, and not exactly earth?"  
  
"Quicksand!!!" they screamed.  
  
A few moments later, Lance and Toad rode up on their horses. Lance jumped down and looked at the two mutants in the quicksand.  
  
"Oh, shoot!" he said, throwing his hat on the ground. "Quicksand! Now we are in trouble!"  
  
"They're in trouble," Evan muttered, clinging tightly to the cart.  
  
"Lyle!" Lance said, turning to Toad. "Get your rope and get over here, quick!"  
  
Toad rode up and swung a rope over his head. The rope caught on the cart and Lance and Toad pulled it out of the quicksand.  
  
"Phew, that was close," Lance said. "We nearly lost a four hundred dollar hand cart!" he said, totally ignoring Forge and Evan. They started discussing where to re-route the railroad.  
  
"Forge, we gonna die! They're gonna leave us here to die!" Evan cried.  
  
"Take it easy, Evan," Forge said. "My foot's on the rail," He took Evan's hand and they began to crawl out of the quicksand.  
  
"So we can put it straight through good ol' Bayville," Lance said to Toad. He turned to see Forge and Evan lying on the ground, covered in dirt and sand.  
  
"Break's over, boys," he said. "Don't just lay there getting' a suntan. Ain't gonna do you no good no how," He picked up a shovel and dropped it at Forge's feet. "Here, take this shovel and put it to good use," he said, and walked off.  
  
Forge looked at Lance angrily as he walked away, and then picked up the shovel, murder in his eyes.  
  
Evan saw the look on Forge's face. "Forge, wait! Don't do it!" he said.  
  
"I have to, baby, I have to!" Forge said, and crept up behind Lance.  
  
Lance was dictating to Toad as Forge snuck up on him. "Send a telegraph to the main office, and tell them that I said OW!" he said, just as Forge hit him in the head with the shovel. The shovel hit Lance in the head with a loud clang and knocked him to the ground.  
  
"Tell them I said OW! Gotcha," Toad said.  
  
"And cut!" Jamie said. "Ok, great take, people. That one's in the can!"  
  
Lance got up, rubbing his head gingerly. "Hey, what gives? I thought you said that shovel was going to be a prop!" he shouted at Jamie.  
  
"I find these lines highly offensive!" Toad complained. "If this keeps up, I'm calling the ACLU!"  
  
"Hey, Jamie, I think Rahne's gonna need to go to the hospital," Roberto said.  
  
"Dammit, we can't afford to lose people now!" Jamie shouted. "Just get her an icepack or something!"  
  
"Do you have any idea it's going to cost to get these stains out?" Forge asked, pointing at his ruined shirt. "I'm going to my trailer!"  
  
"You don't have a trailer!" Jamie shouted at him. "Now, where's Pietro? We need him for the next scene?"  
  
X 


	3. Number 6

Jamie had his cameras set up to film the next scene. It had taken quite a bit of work, but he had finally convinced Pietro to star in his movie. Now Pietro sat on the set, an attorney general's office, with his feet propped up on the desk.  
  
"Explain to me again why I have to be the villain?" he asked.  
  
"It's the part you were born to play!" Jamie said. "I guarantee you, pull this off and I see an academy award in your future!"  
  
"You mean it?" Pietro asked hopefully.  
  
"Babe, would I lie to you?" Jamie asked, practicing his Hollywood-speak. "Now get ready, we need to do this scene,"  
  
"Ok, I'm ready for my close-up!" Pietro said, and tossed his silver hair back with a wave of his head.  
  
Jamie took his place behind the cameras and got ready to shoot. "Action!" he called.  
  
X  
  
The camera focused in on the office door. Written on the door in big, gold letters were the words "Pietro Lamarr, Attorney General, Asssistant to Governor, State Procurer,"  
  
Inside the office, Lance explained to Pietro the problems they were having with the railroad. His head was wrapped with bandages to hide the bruises from where Forge had whacked him with the shovel.  
  
"And right here, Mr. Lamar, is where we run into the quicksand," he said, pointing to a map on Pietro's desk.  
  
"Quicksand, quicksand," Pietro said, rubbing his hands together. "Splendid! Wait, hang on a sec!"  
  
"Cut!" Jamie shouted. "What is it?"  
  
"Ok, first of all, the way I'm supposed to say 'quicksand' is totally lame," said Pietro. Second, why would I be EXCITED that a railroad gets slowed down by quicksand?"  
  
"Did you even read the script?" Jamie asked. "It's good for you because you're going to reroute the tracks through Bayville and seize up all the land!"  
  
"Oh," Pietro said. "Well, that's different,"  
  
"Come on, work with me people!" Jamie shouted. "Let's take it again, and action!"  
  
The scene resumed, and Lance pointed out a new route on the map.  
  
"And so, the railroad's got to go through Bayville," he said.  
  
"Bayville, Bayville, splendid!" Pietro said, trying to mask his disgust for the inflections he was supposed to be using.  
  
"Yes sir, Bayville," said Lance. "Bayville!"  
  
"Be still, Taggart, be still!" Pietro said, and began to pace around the desk. "My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention!"  
  
"Pietro, you really need to stay off the cocaine," Lance said.  
  
"Stick to the script!" Jamie called out.  
  
"Er, I mean, ditto!" Lance said.  
  
"Ditto?" Pietro asked, annoyed. "Ditto, you provincial putz!"  
  
"Sorry sir," Lance apologized.  
  
"Plan, plan, I need a plan," Pietro massaging his temples. Suddenly, there was a loud crash from outside, and Lance jumped a foot in the air in shock.  
  
"What the hell was that?" he asked.  
  
Pietro opened the window to investigate the source of the commotion. Outside, Boris the hangman was conducting an execution. Nick Fury, who was playing the role, was dressed in medieval garb, complete with his trademark eyepatch. His limbs flailed about madly as he lurched back and forth, preparing for the hanging.  
  
"Boris!" Pietro called down. "We can't here ourselves think up here!"  
  
Beast walked up to Jamie, holding a script. "I must say, I find Mr. Fury's costume highly anachronistic," he said, pointing at Fury's leather armor. "This is supposed to be a WESTERN, isn't it?"  
  
"Hey, it's the best we could do. Besides, he'll be working double shifts between here and Todd Fan's set later on, so it's just easier to dress him up this way so he won't have to keep changing costumes,"  
  
"That does make sense," Beast said, as the scene continued.  
  
Fury shuffled across the platform and looked up at Pietro. "So sorry, your worship!" he called up. "But I've got two men at home, sick with the flu! It's utter chaos down here! But I'll try to keep it as quiet as possible,"  
  
He shuffled over to his next victim, a bald man in a wheelchair. "As you can see," he said, pointing at Xavier. "This one is a doozy!" He leaned close to Xavier and put a noose around his neck.  
  
Xavier whispered to Fury. "Are you sure this rope is set up right?" he asked.  
  
"I checked it myself," Fury whispered back. "And besides, the camera won't even be on us when we open the door,"  
  
Xavier breathed a sigh of relief. He was not in the mood to be hanged today.  
  
"Ah yes, the Dr. Gillespie killings. Well, do your best," Pietro said. "Hey, wait a second. Aren't you supposed to be over at Todd Fan's set shooting that Robin Hood movie?"  
  
"She hasn't written that scene yet!" Jamie shouted at Pietro. "Now can we please stick to THIS parody?"  
  
"Fine, fine," Pietro muttered, and ducked back inside. As he did, he hit his head on the window, and grimaced in pain.  
  
"Now, let's see, where were we?" he asked, shaking off the headache.  
  
"Bayville," Lance said.  
  
"Yes, of course. Bayville," Pietro said evilly. "When the railroad goes through, that land will be worth millions! And I want it!" He walked over to a statue of justice sitting on a table and gripped it tightly.  
  
"I want it so badly, I can taste it!" he whispered, starting to move his hands up and down the statue, fondling and caressing its stone body in eager anticipation.  
  
"There must be a way!" Pietro said, rubbing his fingers over the statue's naked breasts.  
  
Lance was getting grossed out watching Pietro molesting the statue. He started to back away, but accidentally backed into Pietro's desk and tipped a heavy law book over. It hit the floor with a loud thud, jarring Pietro back to reality.  
  
"Clumsy fool!" he snapped. Then he had an idea. "Wait a minute. There might be a legal precedent," he said, picking up the book and thumbing through its pages. "Land snatching!"  
  
He began to scour the pages of the book. "Land, land," he muttered, looking for any cases that might pertain to this situation. "Land. See snatch. Ah! Here we are! Haley vs. United States. Haley 7, United States 0. You see!" he said, turning to Lance. "It can be done," He clenched his fist tightly. "It CAN be done! Unfortunately, there is one thing that stands between me and that property: the rightful owners. There must be a way of driving them out,"  
  
Lance started snapping his fingers and hopping up and down at this. Pietro looked at him.  
  
"Oh, it's down the hall and to the left, but can't you wait until the scene's done?"  
  
"No, I've got a plan, sir!" Lance said.  
  
"You do? What is it?" Pietro asked anxiously.  
  
"I know how we can run everybody out of Bayville! We'll kill the first-born male child in every household!"  
  
Pietro considered this for a second. "No, too Jewish," he said.  
  
"Hey, I heard that!" Kitty shouted from offstage.  
  
"Hey, somebody tell the extras to keep it down on the set!" Jamie shouted.  
  
"Extras?!" Kitty shouted back. "You said I'd have a big role in this picture!"  
  
"Well, there was a change of plans. You don't have the accent I need," he said.  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Kitty asked, very offended.  
  
"Quiet on the set!" Jamie shouted, dodging the question.  
  
"Ok, I've got another one! We'll work up a number six on 'em!" Lance said.  
  
"Number six? I'm not familiar with that one," Pietro said.  
  
Lance mimicked like he was riding on a horse. "Well, that's where we go ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whoopin' every living thing that moves, within an inch of its life!" Except the women folks, of course," he said.  
  
"You spare the women?" Pietro asked.  
  
"No, we rape the hell out of them later on at the number six dance!" Lance said, personally looking forward to that scene.  
  
"That's brilliant!" Pietro said, and clapped his hands around Lance's head. Lance screamed as Pietro's hands hit the bruises on his cranium.  
  
"Why, Taggart, you've been hurt!" Pietro exclaimed.  
  
"Took you long enough to figure it out!" Lance complained.  
  
"Script, please!" Jamie interjected.  
  
"Oh, that uppity mutie went and hit me in the head with a shovel. I'd sure appreciate it, sir, if you'd hang him up by his neck until he was dead! I've got him locked up downstairs," Lance said, going back to his lines.  
  
"Consider it done!" Pietro said and walked back to the window.  
  
"Boris!" he called down, to where Nick Fury was preparing another hanging. Roberto was sitting on a horse atop the scaffold, and both he and the horse had nooses around their necks. Fury looked up at Pietro.  
  
"I've got a special!" Pietro called. "When can you work him in?"  
  
"I couldn't possibly work him in until Monday, sir! I'm booked solid!" Fury said.  
  
"Monday, splendid!" Pietro said. He leaned back inside and hit his head on the windowsill again.  
  
"Ow! Who keeps lowering that thing?" he griped. Then he turned back to Lance. "Ta da!" he said.  
  
"Oh, thank you sir!" Lance said. "We'll make Bayville think it was a chicken that got caught in a tractor's nuts!" He laughed heartily, but he was cut off by the sound of the trapdoor outside springing open. Lance was so startled that he jumped into Pietro's arms.  
  
Pietro clutched him tightly and patted him on the head. "Ssh, easy, Taggart. It's just a man and a horse being hung out there. Shh,"  
  
"Cut!" screamed Jamie. Lance immediately pushed Pietro away from him. "This is ridiculous!" he said. "If I have to call him 'sir' one more time."  
  
"Oh, get over yourself," Pietro said. "You need the practice for when you join Magneto,"  
  
"Oh, shut up already!" Lance snapped, rubbing his still-aching head.  
  
Pietro ignored Lance and sidled up to Jamie. "So, when do you think I'll get that award you were talking about, hmm?"  
  
"Hello, we haven't even finished shooting yet!" Jamie said. "Try after the film actually premiers!"  
  
"Well let's try and hurry things along, shall we?" Pietro said, looking at his fingernails. "I have a manicure at 3 o'clock today,"  
  
Jamie rolled his eyes, wishing that he had gone with his instincts and had Bobby play the villain instead.  
  
X 


	4. Jamie tortures the humans a bit

Jamie had the Danger Room set up for the next scene, in the town of Bayville. This was not the Bayville everybody knew, though. This was a recreation of a western desert town. Thanks to the holographic technology of the Danger Room, the town was completely authentic, down to the tumbleweeds and the dirt streets.  
  
"Heh heh, eat your hearts out, Wachowski brothers," Jamie cackled as he rubbed his hands together. "Ok, everybody get set for the next scene," he called. The cast rushed to their spots, and Jamie realized something was wrong.  
  
"Hey, we're four people short!" he shouted. "What's going on here?"  
  
"Sorry, Jamie," said Amara. "We got everybody we could think of,"  
  
"Aargh!" Jamie yelled. "We can't have delays now! We're on a very tight schedule, people! We need to have shooting wrapped up by Thursday night!"  
  
"Well, then you'll have to ask the Professor if there are any more mutants around we haven't found yet," Amara quipped.  
  
Jamie suddenly snapped his fingers. "I've got it!" he shouted, and summoned his multiples. "Ok, guys," he said, "I need you for extras in this scene. This is your big chance, so don't blow it!"  
  
The Jamie clones rushed onto the set and took their places.  
  
"Ok, everybody ready? Action!"  
  
X  
  
Pre-recorded music began playing and a choir began singing as the camera panned over Bayville.  
  
"There was a peaceful town called Bayville, Where people lived in harmony. They never had no kind of trouble, There was no hint of misery,"  
  
The camera continued to pan through the streets, passing by Scott Johnson's Ice Cream Parlor. It shifted into the saloon, where several of the mutants were sitting around in cowboy outfits, playing cards, having drinks, and ignoring the cattle that roamed through the building. The choir continued.  
  
"The town saloon was always lively, But never nasty or obscene. Behind the bar stood Bobby Johnson, He always kept things nice and clean,"  
  
On cue, Bobby, who was dressed in a bartender's costume, spit into a glass he was cleaning with a rag and belched loudly.  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud commotion outside, as the choir changed keys.  
  
"Then all at once the trouble started, A pack of murderers and thieves, Like swarms of locusts they descended, Their aim to make the townfolk bleed,"  
  
A group of bandits rushed through the town on horseback, led by Lance. They rode through the streets, shooting their guns and terrifying the people of Bayville.  
  
Sam, who was dressed as one of the bandits chased Duncan across the street. Duncan dove through a window to avoid the pursuing bandit, but suddenly dashed back outside when he saw another armed man inside, pointing his gun at him.  
  
That kid's gonna die when he gets to my high school! Why can't I get a stunt-double for this? Kelly thought as he dove back onto the street, through a second window.  
  
On the other side of the street, Ray, who was playing one of the bandits, lassoed a wooden tower and pulled it down, leaving Arcade dangling precariously from it. One of the Jamie clones, who was wearing a derby hat and smoking a cigar, had both the hat and cigar shot away from him. He turned to flee inside but ran right into a locked door and knocked himself cold, and vanished a second later.  
  
Kitty found herself being chased by a man with a large sack. The man swung the sack, hitting her in the head and knocking her into a mud puddle.  
  
"Ew, gross!" Kitty shouted, and ran for the nearest shower.  
  
A final bandit threw a rope around Amanda's waist and dragged her through the now mud-covered streets.  
  
"Well, that's the end of this suit," Amanda muttered as the bandit dragged her off the set.  
  
Toad, playing the part of Lyle, inflicted one last indignity when he lassoed a public shower, which Kitty had ran into a few minutes earlier in an effort to clean the mud off of her. She shrieked as the shower was pulled away and tried to cover herself as best she could. Fortunately, she had already lathered herself up well enough that the camera was not able to catch anything.  
  
"Jamie, get that camera off of me before I short circuit it!" she shouted, running away from the lens.  
  
"Crud," Jamie muttered. "We could have used that footage!"  
  
On the porch of Scott Johnson's ice cream store, Taryn found herself being held by one bandit as a second one slugged her repeatedly in the stomach. "Have you ever seen such cruelty?" she asked deliberately as the camera zoomed in on her bonnet-covered head, before the thugs went back to punching her.  
  
The camera faded away from the scene and settled in on a church. Inside, the town choir was singing.  
  
"Now is the time of great decision, Are we to stay or up and quit? There's no avoiding this conclusion, Our town is turning into,"  
  
As the choir reached the end of the song, the church bell struck with a loud clang, drowning out the last word of the hymn.  
  
Phew, Jamie thought. Good thing I wrote that in at the last second. That could have cost us our PG-13 rating!  
  
At the front of the church, Kurt, dressed in a suit with a preacher's collar, beckoned the crowd to sit down.  
  
"Now, I don't have to tell you people," he said, "what has been happening here in our beloved little town. Sherriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped,"  
  
A nervous, uneasy grumbling went up from the congregation at this unpleasant scene.  
  
"Now the time has come to act, and act fast!" Kurt said. "I'm leaving!" He picked up his hat and Bible and started for the exit. Before he took two steps, Logan stood up and blocked his path. Logan was dressed in tattered clothes and had the look of an old prospector to him.  
  
"You get back here, you pious, candy-ass sidewinder!" Logan shouted, his speech deliberately slurred by the large cotton balls stuffed in his cheeks. "There's no way that nobody's gonna leave this town!" He waved his arms around wildly and stomped his foot on the floor at this last bit.  
  
"Hell, I was born here, I was raised here, and dadgum it, I'm gonna die here. And no side-windin' horn-swarglin' bursh-wackin' crocker-croker, is gonna rorl my burshis-cutter!" he finished up. His speech was so slurred thanks to the cotton that his last few words were completely unintelligible.  
  
Jean stood up as Logan sat down. She was wearing a three piece suit, complete with a gold pocketwatch. "Now who can argue with that?" she asked.  
  
"Revrin!" Logan shouted enthusiastically.  
  
"I think we're all indebted to Logan Johnson, for clearly stating what needed to be said," Jean said. "I'm especially glad that these lovely children were here to hear that speech," She pointed to the back of the room, where Jamie's other three clones were sitting on a bench along with Rahne. "Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, but it expressed a courage rarely seen in this day and age,"  
  
"What are we made of?" Jean asked, changing her voice to a pleading tone. "Our forefathers came across the prarie, fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fort Dix. Remember when Richard Dix tried to take over this town? But we didn't give up then, and by gum, we're not gonna give up now!" she concluded.  
  
"Revrin!" Logan shouted as the crowd applauded. "Revrin," Jean said back.  
  
Warren stood up to speak next. Jamie had had him flown in from England for this part, and had spared no expense.  
  
"Jean Johnson is right!" he said. "What kind of people are we, anyhow? I say we stay and fight it out!" He sat down, trying to hide his boredom at flying halfway around the world just to say one line.  
  
At the front of the room, Scott stood up. "Warren Johnson is right about Jean Johnson being right," he said. "And I'm not giving up my ice cream parlor that I built with these two hands for nothing or nobody!"  
  
Bobby, who had to quickly change into a different costume after the saloon scene, jumped up excitedly. "Scott Johnson is right!" he said eagerly.  
  
"Thank you, Bobby," Scott said.  
  
"Revrin!" Logan said, adding the final word.  
  
Kurt sighed. "Well, if we're going to stay, I think it's a big mistake!" he said, rolling his eyes. "We're going to need a new sheriff,"  
  
Everybody immediately looked at Scott.  
  
"Oh no, no way am I playing the sheriff in this parody!" Scott protested. "You saw the part I have in Mutants in Tights! I can't even string a cohesive sentence together! Forget it!"  
  
"That's it!" Jamie snapped. "Nobody is allowed to mention Todd Fan's movie on this set ever again!"  
  
Scott breathed a sigh of relief that he was not going to get stuck with the sheriff's part again. "Why don't we wire the governor?" he asked, reverting to the script. "Why should we get our own people killed?"  
  
"Scott Johnson is right!" Bobby said, just as eagerly as before. "We'll wire the governor!"  
  
"Revrin!" Logan said, expressing the unanimous consent of the room.  
  
Kurt clasped his hands together and looked at the ceiling. "Then let us pray, for the deliverance of our new sheriff," he said, and opened his Bible. "I shall now read from the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke,"  
  
Suddenly, there was a crash as a bundle of dynamite flew through one of the windows of the church. The fuse was lit and burning quickly.  
  
"And duck!" Kurt shouted, crouching behind the podium just as the bomb exploded.  
  
"Cut, cut! Great take, folks!" Jamie said as the smoke cleared.  
  
Logan spit the cotton balls out of his mouth. "Ugh, I think I'm gonna choke on those things!" he said. "You know, if you want me to sound like an incomprehensible prospector, why don't you let me get drunk so I can sound authentic?" he asked.  
  
"Because we blew our food budget on all the baked beans we'll need later, that's why!" Jamie said.  
  
Amanda glared at Kurt. "I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this! My clothes are ruined!" she shouted.  
  
"Sorry," Kurt pouted. "I didn't know he was gonna drag you behind a horse!"  
  
"Do I HAVE to keep sucking up to Scott?" Bobby asked. "I thought I was a full-fledged X-Man now?"  
  
"Hey, you wanna keep your spot, just keep reading your lines," Scott growled.  
  
"I think I cut my arm diving through that window!" Kelly shouted. "Why can't I get a stunt double for this scene?"  
  
"Sorry," said Jamie. "Only members of the Mutant Union get stunt-doubles,"  
  
"This is boring!" Jubilee muttered. "I'm going over to Todd Fan's set to see how Mutants in Tights is going!"  
  
"No, you're not!" shouted Jamie. "Now get back here before I lock the set, er, I mean the Danger Room down!"  
  
X  
  
Next time: Will Pietro Lamar succeed in snatching Bayville? Will Jamie finish the film before his cast riots? Will I finish the story before I move away? Wait and see! 


	5. It's Jamie's mind that's warped, not the...

Jamie adjusted his coat, getting ready for the next scene. Today they would be filming a scene in the governor's audience, and he, naturally, was playing the director. Over in the corner, Kitty sulked as she looked at her outfit: a very skimpy red two-piece bathing suit and rhinestone necklace.  
  
"Tell me WHY I have to wear this again?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, come on," Pietro said. "I think it makes you look cute!"  
  
"That's SO reassuring," Kitty said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. When she had agreed to be in Jamie's movie, she hadn't planned on dressing like a swimsuit model.  
  
Jamie took his place on the set and turned to one of his clones, who was directing this scene.  
  
"Ok, it's very simple," he told the clone. "You just say 'action!' when it's time to start, and 'cut' at the end. Got it?"  
  
"I think so," said the clone. "What am I supposed to do with this again?" he asked, holding up a megaphone.  
  
Jamie rolled his eyes. Why did his clones all have to be so stupid?, he thought. "Nothing, just leave it alone," he said, and sat down in the governor's chair as the rest of the cast took their places.  
  
The Jamie clone picked up the bullhorn. "And, act!" he said.  
  
Jamie smacked himself in the forehead at his clone's incompetence. "I'm going to send you back to packing my suitcases when we're done! Roll the camera!" he snapped as he lit a cigar, and the scene began.  
  
X  
  
Inside the office of Jamie LePetomaine, Pietro and several men were gathered around the governor's desk having a heated conversation. Jamie was puffing on a cigar chatting with Kitty Stein, his secretary, but his eyes were focused totally on her bra. Kitty resisted the urge to smack him and carried on with the scene. Pietro patted him on the shoulder to get his attention.  
  
"Governor," Pietro said. "May I disturb you for a moment, sir?"  
  
"Yeah, what is it?" Jamie asked.  
  
Pietro waved a bill in Jamie's face and guided him back to his chair. "If you will just sign this, governor," he said, handing Jamie a pen.  
  
"Yes, yes," Jamie said, sitting down in the chair as clouds of smoke wafted up from his cigar. "What the hell is it?"  
  
"Under the provisions of this bill, we would snatch 200,000 acres of Indian territory which we have deemed unsafe for their use at this time," Pietro said. "They're such children,"  
  
"200,000 acres? 200,000 acres?" Jamie asked incredulously. "What'll it cost, man, what'll it cost!"  
  
"Ah," Pietro said, and reached under the desk for something. "A box of these, sir," He produced a box containing several wooden paddles with rubber balls attached to them.  
  
Jamie spit his cigar out in surprise. The cigar flew across the set and landed in Jean's hair. Jean ran screaming as her hair caught on fire. Fortunately, Bobby was close by and managed to extinguish the flames before her hair got too badly singed.  
  
"Somebody get her a wig, quick!" Jamie shouted at one of his clones, who was working as a costume assistant, and jumped back into the scene.  
  
"Are you crazy?" he asked Pietro. "They'll never go for it! Then again," he said, reconsidering. "They just might. Little red devils, they love toys. May I try one?"  
  
"Please do, sir," Pietro said as Jamie picked up one of the paddles and started trying to hit it. He swung for the ball and missed several times before giving up.  
  
"These things are defective," he muttered. Pietro picked one up and began smacking the ball back and forth with ease.  
  
"Right as usual, sir," he said. Jamie got frustrated and swatted the paddle out of his hand.  
  
"Show off," Jamie grumbled. "Upstage me again and you'll be back on the street where I found you!"  
  
"Touchy, aren't we?" Pietro asked. "Now, just sign this right here," he said as Jamie sat down again.  
  
"Ok, give us a hand, give us a hand!" Jamie said and started bouncing up and down in his chair as he started to sign the bill. Pietro grasped his hand and helped him move the pen across the paper.  
  
"Work work work, work work work, work work work," Jamie said as he signed and turned to Kitty and took another look at her breasts. "Hello boys, have a good night's rest? I missed you!"  
  
Kitty repressed the urge to vomit. Why couldn't Rogue have grabbed him harder at that concert, she wondered.  
  
"Just one more bill to sign, governor," Pietro said, producing another piece of paper.  
  
"What the hell is this?" Jamie asked as he stared down at the legalese before him.  
  
"This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the Jamie M. Lepetomaine Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane," Pietro explained.  
  
"Gentlemen!" Jamie shouted, leaping to his feet in an executive fashion. "This bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment for the insane gambler!"  
  
"Bravo sir!" Pietro said, and the men in the room began applauding.  
  
"Yes, yes, thank you," Jamie said humbly. "Thank you, Peter, thank you,"  
  
"It's not Peter, it's Pietro! Pietro Lamarr!" Pietro said angrily.  
  
"Hey, what are you worried about! This is 1874! You'll be able to sue him!" Jamie said, placing a foot on his chair. The camera showed that he wasn't wearing any pants, just a set of boxers with the abbreviation GOV written on them.  
  
The men in the room laughed again, and Pietro joined them a few seconds later after he finally got the joke. The laughter slowly died down.  
  
"Just sign here," Pietro said, helping Jamie again.  
  
"Thank you very much," Jamie said, and tried to replace the pen in its holder. "Help me in with this, help me in with this," he said, missing the holder.  
  
"Here you are, sir," Pietro said, taking Jamie's hand again. "Just think of your secretary,"  
  
Kitty shuddered at the thought of Jamie thinking about her, and hoped the camera didn't pick her reaction up.  
  
Jamie got the pen back in the holder. "Very good suggestion!" he said to Pietro. "Is that it? Anything else?" he asked.  
  
"Just this urgent telegram from Bayville," Kitty said in a very airy voice. "It arrived last Friday,"  
  
"Last Friday?" Jamie asked. "Well read it, read it, you saucy bitch," He leaned back and rested his head on Kitty's chest.  
  
Kitty started to read the telegram. "Sheriff murdered, church meeting bombed. Reign of terror must cease. Send new sheriff immediately," Then she leaned down to Jamie and whispered in his ear, "If you don't take your head off my breasts RIGHT NOW, I will rip your brain out of your puny skull!"  
  
Jamie jumped up, as much in fear of Kitty as in reaction to the telegram. "Holy underwear!" he shouted and tried to recompose himself. "Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We've got to protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen! We've got to do something about this immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!"  
  
Pietro and the rest of the men in the room began harrumphing along with Jamie, except for Ray, who had forgotten how important the harrumphing was. Jamie turned to him angrily. "I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy!" he said.  
  
"Give the governor a harrumph!" Pietro ordered.  
  
"Harrumph!" Ray said, startled.  
  
"You watch your ass," Jamie told him.  
  
"Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters," Pietro said.  
  
"Well put," Jamie said.  
  
"Thank you sir," Pietro replied. "As Attorney General, I can assure you that a suitable sherrif will be found to restore the peace in Bayville," he said, and picked up one of the paddles. "Meeting is adjourned," he said, rapping the paddle on the desk. He quickly realized his gaffe.  
  
"Oh, I am sorry, sir," he said to Jamie. "I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that,"  
  
"What?" Jamie asked.  
  
"Meeting is adjourned,"  
  
"It is?"  
  
"No, you say that, governor!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Meeting is adjourned!"  
  
"It is?"  
  
Pietro gave up and handed Jamie a paddle. "Here, just play around with this, sir,"  
  
"Oh, thank you, Peter," Jamie said.  
  
"No, it's Pietro!" Pietro said.  
  
"It is?" Jamie asked, then picked up the box of paddles. "Why don't you give these out to some of the boys in lieu of pay? Here you are, Frankie, Johnny, Jelly, my beloved secretary Ms. Stein, here, have fun, boys!"  
  
The actors all took the paddles and began playing with them. Jamie tried to get one going but had no luck with it. "This friggin' thing is warped!" he complained. "Why do I always get a warped one?"  
  
"And cut!" called Jamie's clone.  
  
Jamie dropped the paddle in amazement, surprised that his clone had done something right for a change. "Ok," he said. "That covers us for this scene," Then he began coughing heavily at the cigar fumes still in the air. "Ugh, next time I'm using a prop! Those things are revolting!"  
  
"And speaking of revolting!" Kitty said, and smacked Jamie in the face. "That's for putting me in this ridiculous outfit!" she shouted, and stalked off the set. "I'm calling my agent!" she threatened as she left.  
  
"Wait!" Jamie shouted. "You can't leave now! We need you for the Cherokee Nation scene in a few hours!"  
  
The only response he got was the door of the Danger Room, slamming loudly.  
  
"I swear, you just can't work with some people," Jamie muttered, then turned to one of his clones. "You, get me a double cappuccino, now!" he ordered, hoping the coffee would counteract the effects the cigar smoke was having on him. 


	6. Clinton had nothing on this scene

Jamie sat in the director's chair as he waited for the cameras to get ready to film the next scene. He was surrounded by his clones, who were serving as go-fers and performing other menial tasks for him; one held an umbrella over his head to ward off the glare from the lighting, another carried a glass of lemonade on a tray, and a third was shining his shoes.  
  
Jamie looked at his watch. They were supposed to start shooting 20 minutes ago, but Pietro and Scott were nowhere to be seen. "Where are they?" Jamie asked out loud as he looked at his watch in irritation.  
  
Bobby walked up to Jamie to ask him something, but a fourth clone stepped in his path, holding a schedule book.  
  
"Sorry, but you can't talk to him right now," said the Jamie clone. "He's booked solid for the rest of the, woah!" he yelped as Scott shoved him out of the way and walked up to Jamie.  
  
Jamie looked up as he saw Scott approach. "Hey, how'd you get past my personal secretary?" he asked. "I told him I was busy today!"  
  
Bobby ignored him. "Look, Jamie, Kitty's really ticked off," he said. "I think you need to apologize to her,"  
  
"Apologize for what?" Jamie asked.  
  
"Well, dragging her through the mud, filming her naked, ogling her on film, and that's just for starters," Bobby said.  
  
"She needs to grow up and realize how things work in Hollywood, Bobby," Jamie said, taking a sip of lemonade.  
  
"Well, why don't you try telling that to Lance?" Bobby said. "He heard about the last scene, and he's not too happy right now,"  
  
"Where is he?" Jamie asked.  
  
"Last I saw, he was headed over here, and he didn't look too thrilled,"  
  
Just then, the door to the Danger Room slid open and Lance stormed in.  
  
"Where is that little weasel?" he shouted angrily.  
  
"Eek!" shouted Jamie, and dived behind a stack of film canisters to hide from the angry mutant. His clones scattered as Lance approached.  
  
"Jamie, I know you're behind there!" Lance shouted. "Come out now!"  
  
Jamie stood up meekly. "Look, Lance, there's a perfectly good explanation for this. We're trying to create some very high-quality art here, and, yike!" he started to say, but was cut off as Lance grabbed him by the shirt collar and lifted him off his feet.  
  
"Listen up," said Lance. "If you want Kitty back, there's going to be some changes around here. First of all, find somebody else to play your stupid secretary!"  
  
"But she's only in one more scene!" Jamie protested.  
  
"I don't care! Get someone else or Kitty walks,"  
  
"Ok, fine, I'll recast!" Jamie said.  
  
"I'm not done! She and I both want a 15% take on all the sales and merchandising profits,"  
  
"15%?" Jamie asked. "Are you mad? That'll bankrupt me!"  
  
The room started to shake in response as Lance used his powers to get his point across.  
  
"Ok, ok! 15% seems reasonable! And I'll apologize personally, too!" Jamie said, eager to be free of Lance's grip.  
  
"Glad to hear you're cooperating," Lance said. "I'll let her know you've had a change of heart. Oh, and one more thing," he added. "You lay a finger on my girlfriend again, I'll kill you and all your little clones!"  
  
With that, he walked out of the Danger Room to go get Kitty. Jamie breathed a sigh of relief, glad that he had both his life and his actress back.  
  
As Lance walked out of the Danger Room, Pietro and Scott walked in.  
  
"Finally!" Jamie shouted. "Where have you been?"  
  
"Sorry!" Pietro apologized. "Todd Fan had us doing re-takes for Mutants in Tights,"  
  
"We had to do the archery contest over again because Forge kept missing Logan's sniper arrow," Scott explained.  
  
"Ew," Jamie said. "I hope Remy's all right, we'll need him in a few scenes,"  
  
"Oh, he's fine," said Pietro. "He's just got a few holes in his neck. Nothing a little morphine won't take care of,"  
  
"Oh, by the way, I hope you don't need to print extra scripts," said Scott. "Todd fan used up the whole printing budget for scene 11,"  
  
"Grr!" Jamie growled. "That woman's going to be the end of me someday. Oh well, let's just get shooting while we have some daylight left,"  
  
"Um, Jamie, we're inside a LIT studio. We have all the light we need," Pietro pointed out.  
  
"Oh, just take your places," Jamie muttered. He was starting to realize how exhausting directing a picture can be.  
  
X  
  
Pietro sat behind his desk in his office as the camera focused in on him. He was trying to decide on the issue for the new sheriff for Bayville.  
  
"A sheriff," he muttered as he turned his chair around. "But law and order is the last thing I want,"  
  
He reached into a jar on his desk and pulled out a gumball, and put it in his mouth and began chewing on it.  
  
"Maybe I can turn this into my advantage," he said. "If I can find a sheriff that so offends the people of Bayville that his mere appearance drives them out of town. But where can I find such a man?" he mused, looking straight at the camera. "And why am I asking you?"  
  
Sam, who was working the camera for this scene, shrugged his shoulders.  
  
Pietro suddenly remembered that it was Monday, and that something important was supposed to be happening today. He walked over to the window and took a look outside. Sure enough, Beast was preparing the gallows for Forge's hanging.  
  
"Ah! Welcome to Hanging House!" Beast said as his executioners led Forge up the scaffold steps. He looked at Forge's drill arm and smiled.  
  
"Not to worry," he said. "Everyone is equal in my eye!"  
  
Pietro began to laugh wickedly as he looked down at Forge. This was perfect!, he thought. Suddenly, he began to choke as the gumball slid down his throat. He started coughing to clear the chewy obstruction and managed to hack the thing up and spit it out after a few tries.  
  
Pietro cleared his throat and walked out of his office. He had found his man.  
  
X  
  
A short while later, Pietro walked into Jamie Lepetomaine's office, leading Forge behind him. The governor was absent, but Pietro saw a pair of drapes covering the rear of the office. He heard the sounds of delightful laughter coming from behind them.  
  
"Ow! Not in the ear, not in the ear!" Jamie protested from behind the curtains as Jubilee laughed. She had been very willing to stand in for Kitty for this scene, which confirmed Jamie's hunch that either she had a crush on him or she was very serious about pursuing an acting career of her own someday.  
  
"Governor!" Pietro called out.  
  
"Ugh, he has horrible timing!" Jamie muttered silently, and stuck his head out through the curtains.  
  
"Yes?" he asked.  
  
"Official business, sir," Pietro said.  
  
"Is it important?" Jamie asked.  
  
"It's very crucial," Pietro urged.  
  
Jamie sighed and looked at Jubilee. "Throw something on and stay in that position," he said. Jubilee gave him a wink as he reached for his pants.  
  
Pietro and Forge exchanged a suspicious glance as Jamie walked out from behind the curtains a few moments later, zipping his pants up.  
  
"Forgive me, gentlemen," he said. "I was just, uh, walking the parapet, having a, er, look around. What can I do for you?"  
  
"Governor, as per instructions, I'd like you to meet the new sheriff of Bayville," Pietro said, gesturing at Forge with a wave of his hand.  
  
"I'd be delighted," Jamie said, extending his hand. Then he saw the drill where Forge's right arm should have been. "Wow!" Jamie said and wheeled around quickly. "I've got to talk to you," he said, motioning for Pietro to follow him. Instead, Forge did, and Jamie placed his arm around Forge's shoulder.  
  
"Have you gone berserk?" he asked, not realizing who he was talking to. "Can't you see that that man is a mut." he said, then looked and saw that Forge was standing next to him instead of Pietro.  
  
"Sorry, wrong person," Jamie said with a nervous laugh, and walked back to Pietro. Forge walked over to Jamie's desk and sat down in his chair.  
  
"Have you gone berserk?" he asked, leading Pietro aside. "Can't you see that that man is a mutie?"  
  
"Don't worry, sir," Pietro said confidently.  
  
"Pietro, I've always trusted your judgment," Jamie said. "But haven't you taken a giant leap away from your good senses?"  
  
Pietro grabbed Jamie by the shoulders. "Don't fly off the handle, sir. I am about to make you an historic figure! Maybe even get you a cabinet post!"  
  
"A cabinet post! Did you say that?" Jamie asked.  
  
"I said that,"  
  
"Wonderful!  
  
"Yes! The first man ever to appoint a mutant sheriff! Just think, sir! Washington, Jefferson,"  
  
"Lincoln," interjected Forge, chewing on one of Jamie's cigars.  
  
"Lepetomaine!" Pietro said triumphantly. Jamie jumped back so far that he smacked his head on the wall. He slowly sunk to the floor, clutching his head in pain.  
  
"Sir, you have the seeds of greatness in you," Pietro said, kneeling down beside Jamie. "Nurse them, arrest them, pour water on them. Don't shortchange yourself, sir!"  
  
"It'll never work," Jamie said. "They'll kill him dead in one day,"  
  
Exactly!, thought Pietro. "One day will be all we need, sir, to secure your name in the annals of western history, and secure you a nomination for, dare I say?"  
  
"Dare, dare!" Forge said.  
  
"The presidency!" Pietro shouted.  
  
"Wow!" Jamie said and started to stand up, but hit his head on the wall again.  
  
"Hail to the chief! Hail the chief!" Pietro said, dragging Jamie to his feet. He led Jamie back and forth around the office, singing triumphantly.  
  
Jamie stopped at a bust of Lincoln sitting on a pedestal. "Four score and seven years ago," he began, taking out his pocket watch and swinging it around his fingers. "Our forefathers brought forth,"  
  
"Sir?" Jubilee asked, opening the curtains. "Aren't you coming back?"  
  
"Oh!" said Jamie, remembering more urgent business. "In a moment, dear," He turned to Forge and Pietro.  
  
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, uh, affairs of state must take precedence over, uh, the affairs of state," he said, walking back to his desk as Pietro led Forge over to the door.  
  
"Will you make all the arrangements?" Jamie asked.  
  
"Of course sir, I'll make all the arrangements," Pietro said, opening the door.  
  
"Especially the funeral!" Jamie called after him. The camera caught Forge looking back nervously as Pietro led him out of the office.  
  
"Good luck, good luck boys!" Jamie called, undoing his pants again. "Wonderful working with you, good luck!" he said, and walked back to the curtains, whistling as he went.  
  
As Jamie reached for the curtains, Sam called out to him. "Hey, Jamie, we just ran out of film! We can't do the rest of this scene today!"  
  
"Oh, rats!" Jamie said. "Sorry, Jubilee," he called. "We'll have to finish this scene another time!"  
  
Jubilee walked out from behind the curtains with a pout on her face.  
  
"Oh, don't be sad, honey! You'll get your break someday!" Jamie reassured her as she walked off, and tried to figure out where he could find more film for a private screening. 


	7. Welcome, sheriff

A short while later, Forge was decked out in his sheriff's outfit, complete with a tin sheriff's star badge and a leather saddle for his horse that said Gucci on the side.  
  
"Now THIS is what I'm talkin' about!" he said. "My compliments to the costuming department!"  
  
"Just be careful with those," said Rahne, who was in charge of all the costumes. "We can't afford to do any alterations if your drill causes any tears,"  
  
"Not to worry, I'll have it back without so much as a loose thread," Forge said.  
  
The camera started rolling and Forge rode through the mock desert. As he rode, a big band played a swanky tune in the background. Forge rode up to the band, being led by the legendary Count Basie (a reproduction, of course), and gave the famous band leader a wave. Basie grinned at Forge and wished him good luck in his new gig, and Forge rode on.  
  
Meanwhile, in Bayville, the whole town had turned out to greet their new sheriff. A welcoming platform had been set up in the town square, and festive banners were strewn across the fronts of the buildings. The platform had a large banner that read "Welcome Sheriff!" across in big red letters.  
  
Jean Johnson quickly ran up the steps of the platform, where the welcoming committee was assembled.  
  
"I just got a telegram from the governor's office!" she shouted, gasping for breath. "The sheriff will be here at noon!" She turned to Jubilee and they started chatting.  
  
"Noon!" exclaimed Scott Johnson. "I'd better rehearse my speech!"  
  
He took off his hat and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his hat, opened it up, and began to recite his speech.  
  
"As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my privilege to extend to you a laurel, and hardy handshake. Oh, come on! That's the worst pun I've ever heard!"  
  
"Hey, I don't remember writing that last part, do any of you?" Jamie asked his writers sarcastically. "Stick to the script!"  
  
Scott shook his head and looked over the speech one more time to make sure he was ready.  
  
"Hey, Logan, can you see him yet?" Warren Johnson called up to Logan. Logan was standing on top of the saloon, holding a telescope in his hand and keeping an eye out for the sheriff.  
  
Logan took a look through his telescope and caught sight of a figure approaching on horseback.  
  
"The sheriff's coming!" he said, his speech still hampered by the wads of cotton in his cheeks.  
  
"Ring out the church bells!" shouted Kurt, waving his hat in the air.  
  
"Strike up the band!" ordered Scott. The bells began to ring and a small brass band began playing a merry tune, and the townsfolk began celebrating and clapping along in time.  
  
Logan took another look through his telescope. He was able to see Forge much clearer now. He also saw the light reflecting off of the drill on his arm.  
  
"Hey!" Logan called out in alarm. "The sheriff is a mutie!"  
  
Unfortunately, the church bell clanged loudly, drowning out his last word.  
  
"What'd he say?" Warren asked over the noise.  
  
"The sheriff is near!" Jean shouted back.  
  
"No, god-blame it, dang-blam it!" Logan shouted, jumping up and down so furiously that he nearly fell off the roof. "The sheriff is a," CLANG!, went the bells again.  
  
Down below, the people continued to celebrate, oblivious to Forge's identity. They cheered as he rode his horse down the main street of the town, but suddenly fell silent as they noticed his peculiar feature. The band stopped playing and gawked at him as he approached. The crowd watched him in stunned silence as he rode up to the platform.  
  
On the platform, Jean and Kurt stared slack-jawed at Forge. Scott was looking down at his speech and didn't see Forge's drill arm. He started reading.  
  
"As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee," he said, holding out the laurel. "It is my privilege to extend a laurel, and hardy handshake to our new,"  
  
He finally looked up and saw Forge's drill, and his face dropped.  
  
"Mutie," he finished, glumly, as across the street, Sam fell out of his chair in shock.  
  
Somebody yanked on the side of the banner on the front of the platform, and it rolled up and out of sight.  
  
Forge climbed down from his horse and walked over to the platform. He pulled the banner back down, made his way through the crowd, who were more than eager to get out of his way, and climbed up the steps. Jean pulled Jubilee back as Forge walked to the center of the platform.  
  
"'Scuse me while I whip this out!" he said, reaching inside his pants. Everybody in the crowd quickly turned their heads. Several women in the crowd screamed in terror, and Jean covered Jubilee's face with her hat.  
  
Forge pulled a piece of paper out of his pants and began to read it as the crowd calmed down.  
  
"By the power vested in me," Forge read. "By the honorable Jamie M Lepetomaine,"  
  
"Hey, that was great!" Jamie said. "Read that part again.  
  
"By the honorable Jamie M Lepetomaine," Forge repeated.  
  
"Mmm, yeah! One more time!" Jamie said.  
  
"Hey, we don't have all the film in the world, Jamie," Ray said from behind the camera.  
  
"Oh, all right," Jamie muttered. "Keep going,"  
  
Before Forge could continue, he heard the sound of several triggers being cocked as everybody in the square started loading their guns.  
  
"I hereby assume," he said, nervously as Scott and Jean pointed their guns at his head. "The office and duties of sheriff in and for the township of Bayville,"  
  
"Gentlemen, gentlemen!" Kurt shouted. "Let us not allow anger to rule the day! As your spiritual leader, I urge you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say!"  
  
He held his Bible over his head, but Bobby and Roberto aimed their guns and blew it to pieces.  
  
"Cool!" they shouted, slapping hands.  
  
Kurt looked at Forge as tattered bits of paper started raining down from the sky. "Son, you're on your own,"  
  
Thinking quickly, Forge drew his own gun and pointed it at his head. "Hold it!" he said in a deep, angry voice. "Anybody makes a move, the mutie gets it!"  
  
The townsfolk all got confused looks on their faces.  
  
"Hold it, men," Jean said. "He's not bluffing!"  
  
"Listen to him, men!" said Warren. "He's just crazy enough to do it!"  
  
"Drop it!" Forge demanded. "Or I swear I'll blow this mutie's head all over this town!" Then he switched his voice, sounding very frightened.  
  
"Oh lordy lord, he's desperate! Do what he say, do what he say!" he pleaded, wide-eyed.  
  
Forge's bluff worked. Scott and the other actors all slowly lowered their guns.  
  
Forge slowly walked down off the platform, still pointing the gun at his throat.  
  
"Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?" Jubilee asked.  
  
"Hush, Harriet!" Warren said. "That's a sure way to get him killed!"  
  
Forge backed up to the sheriff's office, still playing terrified.  
  
"Oh, oh! Help me!" he shouted. "Hep me, hep me, hep me!"  
  
He switched his voice again. "Shut up!" he shouted in the deep, gravelly voice, and clapped his free hand over his mouth. He reached back behind himself, opened the door, backed into the office, and shut the door.  
  
Once inside, he holstered his gun. "Oh, baby!" he said. "You are so talented. And they are so dumb!"  
  
"And cut!" Jamie shouted.  
  
"Hey, can I get down from here now?" Logan asked, spitting out the cotton. "I'm afraid of heights!"  
  
"Wouldn't it have made more sense to have ME be the lookout?" Warren asked.  
  
"In real life, yes," Jamie said, ignoring Logan's cries for help. "But Logan speaks better gibberish, so he got the part,"  
  
"Hey, somebody get me down from here!" Logan shouted as the crew started to change the set for the next scene, pulling the ladder away from the side of the building and leaving Logan trapped on the roof.  
  
X  
  
A while later, they were shooting the next scene in the town hall. The townsfolk were all quarreling loudly among themselves and Kurt was having a hard time keeping the meeting running.  
  
"Order," he said, tapping the gavel lightly. The people ignored him.  
  
"Order!" Kurt shouted again. Again, no effect.  
  
"God damn it, I said order!" he screamed at the top of his lungs and pounding the gavel on the table as hard as he could. He hit it so hard that he bruised his fingers.  
  
"You know," said Scott as Kurt rubbed his sore fingers. "Nietzsche says out of chaos comes order,"  
  
"Oh, blow it out your ass, Scott," said Jean. "God, I've wanted to tell you that for so long!"  
  
"What?" Scott asked.  
  
"You're so full of yourself!" she shouted back. "You can't figure out how much I love you!"  
  
"Then why are you spending all your time with Duncan?" Scott asked her.  
  
"Hey, people, this isn't Springer!" Jamie shouted. "Let's not have this fight now, ok?"  
  
"Fine," they both said, glaring at each other.  
  
"Now, everyone be quiet!" Kurt insisted. "While we listen to Jubilee Van Johnson, our esteemed school teacher, as she reads a telegram that she herself has composed to the governor, expressing our feelings about the new sheriff," His voice grew angrier and angrier with each word.  
  
The crowd clapped as Jubilee walked up to the platform.  
  
"To the honorable Jamie M Lepetomaine, governor," she began softly.  
  
"Speak up!" shouted the crowd.  
  
"Sorry," she said. "I'm not used to public speaking. Lord knows you people hardly let me say a single word in real life!"  
  
"We, the human, god-fearing people of Bayville!" she continued, at the top of her lungs. Everybody was so taken aback at hearing what Jubilee's voice sounded like that they started.  
  
"Wish to express our extreme displeasure at your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately!"  
  
The crowd nodded their approval as Jubilee read on.  
  
"The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!" she finished, then turned to Jamie.  
  
"Jamie, I'm sorry! You know I didn't mean it! I'm just reading the script!" she pleaded, terrified that Jamie would fire her for such an outburst.  
  
"Hey, take it easy!" Jamie said. "It's not your fault Bobby wrote that junk! Bobby! Come here!" he shouted.  
  
Bobby walked up to Jamie's director's chair nervously.  
  
"Why did you have her call my character an asshole?" he asked angrily.  
  
"I thought that would be the best way of expressing," Bobby began, but Jamie cut him off.  
  
"Well, you're fired for thinking!" he roared, sitting in his chair like it was a throne. "Now get off my set!"  
  
"Fine!" Bobby shouted back. "I'll go work for Todd Fan! She appreciates my work!"  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Jamie shouted back. "Take a look at your contract, you're expressly forbidden from doing any more scenes with her! Now hit the bricks!"  
  
Bobby looked at him sullenly as he realized that his own career might have just taken a permanent detour.  
  
"You haven't seen the last of me!" Bobby said. "I'll make it to the screen one day, just you wait!" He turned and walked out of the Danger Room in a huff.  
  
"Good riddance!" Jamie said. "Well, I think we've had enough excitement for now. Everybody take an hour for lunch, and we'll start back up in the afternoon!"  
  
Everybody started walking off the set to go to lunch. Sam hit the lights as he walked out, and the Danger Room went dark.  
  
"Hello!" Logan shouted, still stuck on the roof. "Hello? I'm still up here! It's dark and I can't see where I'm going! Somebody come back and get me off this roof so I can go to lunch! I'm not jumping down! Hello? Anybody?" 


	8. Ok, NOBODY light up right now!

A while later, the stage was set for Forge's story.  
  
"This costume looks silly on me!" Magneto protested as he adjusted his headdress. "Why can't I wear my helmet instead of this?"  
  
"Because your helmet isn't authentic to the time period we're working in," Amara said as she dabbed some face paint across Magneto's cheeks. "At least the rest of the actors weren't this touchy about their costumes," she muttered under her breath.  
  
"Hey, pop, I think it looks good on you!" Pietro said, trying to cheer his father up.  
  
"Shut up, boy," Magneto growled.  
  
X  
  
A pre-recorded orchestra started playing as the Danger Room set changed into an open desert. A long train of white covered wagons slowly blazed a trail across the desert.  
  
"Well, we weren't actually a part of it," Forge said, in a voice-over as the camera panned back to a solitary wagon, well behind the rest of the train. "You might say we was bringin' up the rear. When suddenly, from out of the west came the entire Sioux nation. And believe me, baby, they was open for business!"  
  
"That's my cue!" Magneto said. "I'm off to win another Academy award!"  
  
"Um, pops," Pietro interrupted. "Two things. First, I'M winning the award for this movie, and second, you're missing the action!"  
  
Magneto looked back to see that his tribe of Indians had already taken off over the hill without him, and were currently riding circles around the wagon train.  
  
"Crap!" Magneto shouted.  
  
"Yes?" asked Kurt.  
  
"Not you!" Magneto shouted, and spurred up his horse and rode off.  
  
"Oh, sorry, wrong parody," said Kurt. With all the roles he was being asked to play in the numerous Mel Brooks parodies being filmed these days, his mind was getting thoroughly mixed up.  
  
Forge continued his story.  
  
"Actually, the white folks didn't let us travel in their circle, so we made our own,"  
  
The camera showed Forge's family wagon driving around in a hectic circle as several Indians closed in. Magneto rode up to the wagon, where Storm and Sabertooth were clinging tightly to a baby that was supposed to be a young forge. The baby even had a baby sized drill on his arm.  
  
"Dat must have been one hell of a delivery," Remy quipped, off the set.  
  
"You're telling me!" Storm said.  
  
Magneto approached the wagon. He looked at Storm and Baby Forge for a moment, and then opened his mouth to speak.  
  
"Spatzis," he said. One of the Indians next to him raised his spear.  
  
"No, no," Magneto said to the Indian. "Zeitsnes meshuggah,"  
  
Magneto took a close look at Baby Forge and then looked up to the sky. "Lozingay!" he shouted. "Kata walk, it's all right!" he said to Storm.  
  
"Thank you," said Storm, Sabertooth and Baby Forge.  
  
"Abeegazin," said Magneto, pointing with his war club. Storm drove the wagon away to safety.  
  
"Has viggesein en ai de laiden? They talken den us! Woof!" Magneto said to one of his Indians as the wagon rode off.  
  
The camera faded back to the sheriff's office, where Forge was smoking a cigar. "And the rest is history," he said, puffing on the cigar. "Impressed?" he asked Remy.  
  
Remy's only response was a snore. He had fallen asleep, and his hat hung low over his eyes.  
  
"Always like to keep my audience riveted," Forge said to the camera.  
  
X  
  
On the back half of the set, Jamie's smarter clone was shooting a different scene. Due to time constraints, they had to shoot two scenes at once.  
  
It was dark on this set, and the camera panned across a barbed wire fence, to which several horses were hitched to. It passed a sign that said "Administrative Personnel Only. Knock on Barbed Wire Before Entering", and zoomed in on Lance, Toad, and several other outlaws sitting around a campfire, eating a hearty meal of baked beans.  
  
One of the outlaws took a bite of the beans, and belched loudly. Next to him, Toad leaned over and farted.  
  
An outlaw 2 spots to Toad's left stood up to fart. Each of the other outlaws began belching and farting in turn. This went on for several minutes. The food budget had been very well spent indeed.  
  
Lance rode up to the fire and nearly gagged at the stench. He fanned the air with his hat, trying to get some fresh air. "God damn!" he shouted.  
  
"How about some more beans, Mr. Taggert?" asked Toad, offering him a plate.  
  
"I'd say you boys have had enough!" Lance said, fanning the air some more. "Now, I understand there's a new sheriff in town. Who wants to kill him?" he asked.  
  
All of the outlaws raised their hands and volunteered for the job. Toad stood up.  
  
"Mr Taggert, Mr Taggert sir!" he said. "Why don't we give him to Mongo?" he asked. He pointed over at another tent, but there was nobody there.  
  
"Hey, where's Mongo?" Jamie's clone asked.  
  
"Oh, I forgot," said Toad. "He called in sick,"  
  
"What?" spazzed Jamie's clone. "Do you know what the real me is going to say when he hears about this?"  
  
"Hey, relax, yo!" said Toad. "I got it covered! Fred!" he shouted.  
  
Fred walked onto the set. "You called?" he asked. Then he saw the big pot of beans sitting in front of Mongo's tent. "Hey, food!" he said. He sat down in Mongo's place and began eating out of the pot with a big ladle.  
  
"Fred! Holy shit, that IS too cruel!" Lance laughed. "I'll be danged, that is a unique idea!"  
  
Toad beamed, thrilled to have thought up such an evil scheme all by himself.  
  
Lance walked over to Fred. Fred looked up at Lance, but before he could say anything, Lance started whacking him over the head with a leather whip.  
  
"Ow! That hurts!" said Fred, raising his arms to ward off the blow. "Why are you hitting me?"  
  
"Sorry, it's in the script," said Lance. "It's me, Taggert, your old boss! Here, smell," he said, holding out his hand. Fred sniffed the leather glove on Lance's hand and calmed down a bit.  
  
"Yeah, that's a good Fred," Lance said. "Hey, how 'bout it? How'd you like to mutilate that new sheriff?"  
  
Fred began to laugh, and clapped his hands together in glee.  
  
"Alright!" Lance said. "Here, have a cigar," he said, handing Fred a stogie.  
  
Fred put the cigar in his mouth and leaned over to the fire to light it. After a few moments, the fire lit the cigar, but also ignited Fred's hat as well. Fred hardly noticed as the hat burnt to cinders.  
  
X  
  
In his office, Forge lit up a cigarette. "Jamie, I hope you're not trying to give me lung cancer," he said as he took a puff.  
  
"Relax, they're nicotine free!" Jamie said.  
  
"That's not very reassuring," Forge said as he shook out the match.  
  
Over by the sink, Remy was shaving with a old straight razor and trying not to slit his throat. "Weren't the arrows enough torture? Remy's neck can't take much more of this," he muttered.  
  
"Hey, I got a note this morning," he said to Forge. "Addressed to the deputy spade,"  
  
"Deputy spade?" asked Forge. "Well, once I establish myself in this town, deputy spade might turn out to be a pretty groovy position,"  
  
He handed Remy the cigarette. Remy took a puff and cringed as the smoke burned his throat.  
  
"Listen, Bart," he said, his voice noticeably higher. "I want you to do me a favor. I don't want you to go out there this morning," By this time his voice had returned to its normal register. "You're not going to win these people over. They're just not going to accept you,"  
  
"Well maybe if I could take this drill off every now and then, like I do in REAL life," Forge said sarcastically. "They wouldn't notice,"  
  
"You got a problem with the drill, take it up with the props department!" said Jamie.  
  
Remy finished wiping the shaving cream off his face, having managed not to cut himself. Forge decided to test his reflexes now that Remy had sobered up, and quickly stood up and reached for his guns.  
  
Quick as lightning, Remy dropped the razor and pointed his fingers at Forge before he could even touch his guns.  
  
"I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded," Forge said with a smile.  
  
"Just like old times," Remy said.  
  
"Like I said," said Forge. "Once you establish yourself, they gots to accept you. I'll catch you later," he said, and walked out of the office.  
  
Remy took another drag on the cigarette. "Good luck!" he called after Forge, his voice sounding very much like Mickey Mouse.  
  
"Cut!" Jamie called, the scene finished.  
  
Remy started coughing. "What kinda cigarettes you get for Remy?" he squeaked. "Remy don't wanna sound like no goddamn rat forever!"  
  
"They wear off, trust me!" said Jamie.  
  
"Hey, I've got to be getting back over to Todd Fan's set soon," said Scott. "Remy and I are doing the big duel next,"  
  
"Oh, fine, but you'd better be back by morning!" Jamie said. "If we don't get this out by Friday morning there's going to be hell to pay!"  
  
X 


	9. Here's Fred!

Jamie sat in his director's chair, nervously drumming his fingers together. Scott, Remy, Jean, and Rogue were all very late returning from Todd Fan's set, and he was beginning to get nervous. His deadline was getting closer and closer with every passing second, and he had very little time to waste.  
  
The door to the Danger Room opened and the four mutants walked in.  
  
"Finally!" said Jamie. "How did the big climax go, anyway?" he asked them.  
  
"Great!" shouted Rogue and Jean. "Don't ask!" groaned Scott, still feeling nauseous at what had transpired in his final scene of Mutants in Tights.  
  
"Well, get changed and get on the set quick. We've got to get this scene in the can fast!" Jamie urged.  
  
"Can't Remy at least take a little nap first? Saving the day makes Remy tired," Remy said.  
  
"No! Now get changed!"  
  
X  
  
Forge walked through the sunny streets of Bayville. It was a beautiful day out, and there wasn't a hint of trouble anywhere.  
  
He walked past the repaired public showers, and saw Wanda approaching.  
  
"Good morning, ma'am!" Forge greeted her. "Isn't it a lovely morning?"  
  
Wanda glared at Forge. "Up yours, mutie!" she snapped, and walked off.  
  
Maybe it isn't such a beautiful day after all, Forge thought, and walked dejectedly back to his office.  
  
Inside, Remy consoled him.  
  
"What did you expect?" he asked. "Welcome, son? Make yourself at home? Marry my daughter? You gotta remember dat dese are just simple farmers. De're people of de land. De common clay of de new west. You know, morons,"  
  
Forge snickered at this comment. Suddenly, the ground began to shake.  
  
"What the hell is that?" he asked aloud.  
  
Outside, Fred rode into town atop a white bull. The ground shook with each step the bull took.  
  
Roberto caught sight of Fred and panicked. "Santa Maria!" he shouted. "It's Fred!" Terrified, he ran away as fast as he could, but ran into Logan after only three steps.  
  
On a nearby street corner, Ray was hawking wares when he saw Fred. "Holy shit!" he shouted, and the crowd scattered in terror.  
  
Inside the saloon, Scott was talking to Jean and Sam, who was standing in as the bartender since Bobby had been fired.  
  
"And they say now, in Paris, France," he said. "Even as we speak, Louis Pasteur has devised a new vaccine that will obliterate anthrax once and for all!"  
  
Outside the saloon, Fred tied his bull up to the hitching post. Warren rode up on a horse.  
  
"Hey!" he shouted at Fred. "You can't park that animal over there! It's illegal!"  
  
Fred said nothing. He just walked up to the horse Warren was sitting on and punched it in the face. Both Warren and the horse collapsed to the ground.  
  
Fred walked inside the saloon as Scott was going on about eradicating diseases.  
  
"Think about it, gentlemen," he said. "Hoof and mouth disease will be a thing of the past!"  
  
"Never mind that!" said Jean. "Here comes Fred!"  
  
Fred pulled the doors off the saloon, and chaos reigned.  
  
X  
  
In the sheriff's office, Forge heard sounds of a panic out in the streets.  
  
"I don't know what it is," he said, looking at Remy.  
  
Suddenly, one of Jamie's clones walked in, serving as another replacement for one of Bobby's parts.  
  
"Sheriff, Fred's back! He's breaking up the whole town! You've got to help us!" said the clone.  
  
"You hear that?" Forge said with a laugh. "Now it's please! This morning I couldn't even get the time of day! Who is this Fred anyway?"  
  
"Fred's not really a who," said Remy. "He's more of a what,"  
  
"What he said," said the Jamie clone.  
  
"Well," Forge said.  
  
"Oh, thank you, sheriff! Thank you, thank you!" the clone began to grovel before Forge could make up his mind. The clone walked over to the door and opened it.  
  
"The fool's going to, er, I mean the sheriff's going to do it!" he shouted out into the street.  
  
Forge laughed as he picked up his holster.  
  
"No, no, don't do dat," Remy warned. "If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad,"  
  
Forge paused as he tried to figure out how to stop the rampaging Fred.  
  
X  
  
Inside the saloon, Fred was crushing the patrons behind the piano. The dozen mutants behind the large instrument groaned and struggled but could not overcome Fred's strength. Fred laughed at the patrons' screams.  
  
Forge walked into the saloon, dressed up like a singing telegram. "Candygram for Fred!" he called over the din.  
  
"Candygram for Fred!" he said as he walked over to Fred.  
  
"Me Fred," Fred said, pointing at himself. The patrons quickly scurried out from behind the piano before Fred could squash them some more.  
  
"Sign, please," said Forge and handed Fred a bill.  
  
Fred signed the bill with an X and handed the paper back to Forge.  
  
"Thank you!" said Forge in a very obsequious voice, and turned around and walked out the saloon.  
  
Fred looked at the box. "Fred like candy!" he said, and opened the box. There was a loud BANG as the bomb inside went off.  
  
"And cut!" Jamie said. "Great, people! That was really splendid! We'll beat our deadline in no time!"  
  
"Aaaahhh!!! My wing!" cried Warren as he tried to get out from under the horse. "I think it's broken!"  
  
He pointed at his left wing, which was bent at an awkward angle.  
  
"Just hurry up and put a splint on it or something!" Jamie shouted at him, quite unsympathetic.  
  
"My beautiful feathers!" wailed Warren. "I may never fly again!"  
  
"Of for the love of Mystique!" Jamie muttered, and picked up his cell phone to call an ambulance.  
  
X 


	10. Pietro gets a bath

Pietro sat in a large basin filled with water and soap suds, getting ready for his next scene. Lance gnashed his teeth together as they waited for the cameras to get set up.  
  
"Pietro, I swear if you tell anybody about this scene," Lance said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Oh, don't complain so much, Lance," Pietro said. "Servitude becomes you,"  
  
Lance resisted the urge to flip the tub over and let Pietro drown in it as the cameras started rolling. He started scrubbing Pietro's back.  
  
"Further down, and to the right," Pietro said.  
  
"You know, I thought for sure that Fred would smash him up into tiny little sheriff meatballs," Lance said. "I just don't understand it,"  
  
"Be still, Taggert," said Pietro. "My mind is raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives!"  
  
"Been hitting the cocaine again, Pietro?" Lance asked.  
  
"Yes," Pietro sighed, rolling his eyes and sniffing heavily. His red nose was barely hidden by his make-up.  
  
"The drugs can wait until AFTER this scene!" Jamie said.  
  
"I am NOT saying this next line!" said Lance.  
  
"Say it!" said Jamie. "It's not like it isn't true!"  
  
"Hey, shut up about that!" said Pietro.  
  
Lance sighed and said his next line. "Gee, Mr. Lamar, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty-dollar whore!"  
  
Pietro shuddered, his secret out.  
  
"Shit-kicker," Pietro grumbled. "Wait, that's it! It'll work!"  
  
"Of course it will!" Lance said. "Er, what will work?"  
  
"Elementary, cactus-head! The beast has failed, and when the beast fails, we call in the Beauty! Of course! She's never failed me before. She'll turn him into jelly! She'll bring him to his knees!"  
  
Then his eyes went wide as he noticed something was missing.  
  
"Wait! Where's my froggy?" he asked desperately. "Where's my froggy?"  
  
"I don't know!" said Lance. "I didn't see it when you got in,"  
  
"Well look, damn your eyes, look!" Pietro snapped.  
  
Lance reached down into the tub in search of the toy, and grabbed onto something squishy. The look on Pietro's face indicated that Lance was clearly NOT holding onto Froggy.  
  
"Ech!" Lance shouted as he realized what he had grabbed. He yanked his hand out of the tub and shook off the suds. Thank god I was wearing a glove, he thought.  
  
He looked past Pietro and saw the frog resting on the table. "There it is!" he said.  
  
"Hurry, give it to me!" Pietro cried. Lance handed him the frog and he calmed down.  
  
"That's better," he said squeezing the frog. "Daddy loves Froggy. Does Froggy love daddy?"  
  
The frog squeaked as Pietro squeezed it. "Ribbit, ribbit," Pietro said, sinking down into the tub.  
  
"That's it, this scene's over," said Jamie.  
  
"Finally!" Lance said, and walked off the set.  
  
"Please tell me you're going to cut that scene!" Pietro said, standing up in the tub. "That was absolutely absurd for my character!"  
  
"For once, Pietro, I completely agree with you," said Lance.  
  
"Um, maybe I will cut that scene," said Jamie as the suds started dripping off Pietro's body. Pietro stepped out of the tub, grabbed a towel and went to dry off as the clones cleared the set.  
  
X  
  
In the office, Forge had Fred lashed with chains to the bars of one of the jail cells. Fred was still unconscious from the explosion.  
  
"Remy don't know how you did it," Remy said.  
  
"Oh, he was nothing," said Forge. "The trick was inventing the candy-gram," Indeed, it had been very difficult for Forge to make the bomb, even with his versatile drill.  
  
"Bet they won't give me credit for it," he said. Suddenly, there was a rap at the window.  
  
Forge stood up and pulled the shade open to see Wanda standing outside, holding a pie.  
  
"Evening, sheriff," she said. "Sorry about the 'up yours, mutie'. I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your ingenuity and courage in stopping that horrible Fred,"  
  
"Well, much obliged," Forge said. "Goodnight," He pulled the shade back down.  
  
Wanda knocked again, and Forge opened the window again.  
  
"Of course, you'll have the decency not to mention that I ever spoke to you," she said, and walked away.  
  
"I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town," Forge said sarcastically.  
  
"Think about it," Remy quipped. "In twenty five years, you'll be able to shake dere hands in de broad daylight,"  
  
"Well, I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it," Forge said.  
  
Remy picked up his coat. "Come on, Remy don't want to be late. Dat Rogue von Shtup is opening tonight,"  
  
"Rogue von Who?" Forge asked.  
  
"Von Shtup," Remy replied. He and Forge walked out of the office and headed for the saloon.  
  
Inside her dressing room at the saloon, Rogue sat at her make-up table in a nightgown. She hummed and sang as she prepared for the show. Her accent was a strange mix of Southern and German. She had a blond wig on her hair to mask her grey streak; she thought the wig made her look fat.  
  
As she sang, there was a knock at her door. "Vilkommen, bienvenue, welcome, come on in," she said. Pietro walked in, carrying a bouquet of flowers.  
  
"Rogue!" he said.  
  
"Peter!" she replied.  
  
"It's Pietro!" Pietro said, and knelt down and gave her the flowers. "For you!" he said.  
  
"Oh. How ordinary," Rogue said, and tossed the bouquet on the floor.  
  
Pietro was a bit unnerved, but he tried to get on with the scene.  
  
"Oh, Rogue. Rogue, Rogue, Rogue, Rogue," he drooled, ogling Rogue's legs. "I cannot find the words to truly express my joy at the rekindling of our association,"  
  
"Bullshit," Rogue said. "What's the job?"  
  
"Oh, I love it when you talk dirty!"  
  
X  
  
Forge and Remy walked into the saloon and sat down at the table. Backstage, Pietro continued to ogle Rogue while she tried to fend off his prying hands.  
  
"Come on, Lamar, let's get down to brass tacks," she said, her accents merging to produce a half-drawl, half-lisp. "What do you want me to do?" she asked.  
  
"I want you to seduce and abandon the sheriff of Bayville," Pietro said, very business-like. "Do you think you can do it?"  
  
"Is Bismarck a herring?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, Rogue, you're magnificent!"  
  
X  
  
On the stage, the saloon piano went silent as Ray ran out onto the stage. "And now, folks," he said. "That gal you've all been waiting for, the Bavarian bombshell herself, let's hear it for Rogue Von Shtup!"  
  
The crowd cheered as music began to play and Rogue stepped onto the stage, wearing very little.  
  
"He was sent, the goddess of desire, That man on fire, I have this power.  
  
Morning noon and night it's quick romancing, And then some dancing, and then a shower.  
  
Stage-show jollies constantly surround me, They always hound me with one request. Who can satisfy their lustful habit? I'm not a rabbit! I need some rest!  
  
I'm tired! Sick and tired of love! I've had my fill of love, from below and above. Tired, tired of being admired, tired of love uninspired Let's face it, I'm tired!"  
  
"I've been with thousands of men, again and again, They promise the moon.  
  
They're always coming and going and going and coming, But always too soon.  
  
I'm tired. Tired of playing the game. Ain't it a cryin' shame? I'm so tired! God damn it, I'm exhausted!"  
  
Rogue took a break from her song and began to strut around the stage.  
  
"Hello cowboy, what's your name?" she asked a Jamie clone with his feet propped up on the stage.  
  
"Tex, ma'am," said the clone.  
  
"Tex, ma'am?" Rogue asked playfully. "Tell me, Tex ma'am, are you in show business?"  
  
"No," said the clone.  
  
"Then get your friggin' feet of the stage!" she said, and kicked his boots away as the crowd laughed.  
  
She walked over to the other side of the stage and saw another clone in the audience.  
  
"Hello, handsome," she said. "Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?"  
  
The crowd laughed again, and suddenly a man in the audience walked up onto the stage and approached Rogue. Rogue kicked him in the groin and he collapsed.  
  
"Tired," she said, resuming her song. "Tired of playing the game.  
  
"Ain't it a cryin' shame? I'm so tired!"  
  
At that moment, the music changed to a snappy ragtime beat, and Amara, Jubilee, Rahne, and Tabby strutted out onto the stage, dressed in German military uniforms and carrying rifles. They began to sing and dance while Rogue sat down in a chair and rested.  
  
"Don't you know she's pooped?" asked Tabby as the four mutants wrapped their part of the act and Rogue stood up.  
  
"I've been with thousands of men, again and again, They always sing the same tune  
  
They start with Byron and Shelly then jump on your belly And bust your ballon! Oy!"  
  
The mutants dressed as soldiers fired off their rifles and the crowd went nuts. They then started marching around the stage as Rogue finished up her song.  
  
"Tired! Tired of playing the game. Ain't it a friggin' shame? I'm so. Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaput!"  
  
Rogue blew a kiss to the crowd and dropped into the arms of the soldiers, who carried her off the stage as the crowd applauded. They carried her back out and the crowd began firing their guns into the air.  
  
"Cut!" Jamie said, another scene down.  
  
"Ugh, ah feel dirty!" Rogue complained as she walked back on stage. "And this accent you have me doing is messing up my voice! I can't say my 'r's' any more!"  
  
"It'll go away in time," Jamie said. "Give it a few days, and you'll hardly notice," 


	11. Rogue the Diva

In the back of the saloon, Remy and Forge grinned at the act. Sam walked up to Forge and handed him a note.  
  
"What's it say?" Remy asked.  
  
"I must see you alone in my dressing room right after the show," Forge said.  
  
Rogue sat in her dressing room, fixing her makeup, when Forge knocked.  
  
"Vilkommen, bienvenue, welcome, come on in," she said, and Forge walked in carrying a red rose and a big grin on his face.  
  
"Vegaitz," he said.  
  
"Bow wow!" Rogue replied.  
  
"For you," Forge said, handing her the rose.  
  
"Oh, a red rose," Rogue said, with only slightly more enthusiasm than she had shown when Pietro had given her his flowers earlier. "How romantic. Won't you have a seat?"  
  
Forge sat down in a chair and took off his hat.  
  
"Will you excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable?" she asked,  
  
"Bitte, baby," Forge said, hoping his German would impress Rogue.  
  
"Oh!" said Rogue, impressed by his German. "Why don't you loosen your bullets?" Rogue suggested, ducking behind her dressing stand. She emerged a moment later, wearing a pink satin negligee. Rogue felt nauseous at wearing such a garishly bright color  
  
"Ah, I feel refreshed," she said, starting to go into seductress mode. "Isn't it a bit bright in here?" She walked over to the lamp on the table and blew it out, plunging the room into total blackness.  
  
"There, isn't that better?" she asked. Suddenly, there was another knock at the door.  
  
"Ugh, back in a moment," she muttered. She opened the door to see Pietro.  
  
"How's it going?" he asked.  
  
"He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands," she said. "By morning, he'll be my slave,"  
  
"Splendid!" Pietro said, and reached for her chest. "Just one little touch?" he asked.  
  
Rogue pulled her glove off and, totally breaking script, slapped Pietro across the face with her bare hand, knocking him out. She kicked his body aside and shut the door.  
  
"That's not in the script!" Jamie said. "But I think I like it!"  
  
Rogue braced herself for this next part; if the earlier scene with Jamie and Kitty had been any indication, this could get real ugly, real fast.  
  
walked over to the bed where Forge was laying. "Let me sit down next to you," she said and sat next to Forge. "Nothing personal," she whispered to him. "But I'm only doing this because it's in the script," Then she got back into the role.  
  
"So tell me, shatzee, is it true what they say about you people being. gifted?"  
  
Her response was a loud whir as Forge shifted his drill into a more useful tool.  
  
"Oh, it's true!" Rogue said. "It's true!"  
  
X  
  
The next morning, Rogue and Forge were sitting at the table, enjoying a fine German breakfast.  
  
"Would you care for another schnitzen-gruben?" Rogue asked, offering Forge a large sausage.  
  
"Sorry, baby, 15's my limit on schnitzen-gruben," he said.  
  
Rogue stood up and whispered in his ear. "Then how about a little."  
  
Forge's eyes went wide. "Baby, please! I am not from Havana! Besides, I'm late for work. I've got some heavy chores to do,"  
  
"Will I see you later?"  
  
"That all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on," Forge said, and headed for the door.  
  
"Nein!" Rogue said, flinging her arms around. "Nein, achtung! Bitte, bitte, you mustn't go! I need you! I never met nobody like you, I can't live without you!"  
  
"Baby, you are making a German spectacle of yourself! Auf wiedersein, baby!" Forge said and left.  
  
"Cut!" said Jamie, none too soon for Rogue.  
  
"Somebody shoot me now!" she shouted, tearing the pink robe off of her shoulders.  
  
"Hey, that stuff's expensive!" Jamie shouted.  
  
"Pwease tell me you don't need me for any more of this howwible movie," Rogue said, her voice still affected by the German accent. "Ugh! I hate you and your stupid accents, Jamie!" she shrieked and stormed off the set.  
  
"Well, I suppose I could always ask Kitty to take over for her later on," Jamie pondered.  
  
"Don't even think about it!" Lance said.  
  
"Crud," Jamie muttered. He'd have to come up with a different idea.  
  
X  
  
Forge walked back into his office, looking very tired. He collapsed onto a bench and groaned, worn out from the long night.  
  
"Well," said Remy. "Look what de cat dragged in,"  
  
"What's happening in the clean world?" Forge asked.  
  
"Bad news," Remy replied. "Remy got a writ here for Fred's release, signed by Pietro Lamar himself,"  
  
"Why would a dude like Pietro Lamar care about Fred?" he asked. "Well, it's legal anyway,"  
  
He walked over to where Fred was still chained up to the cell door and picked up a bucket of water. "Wake-up time!" he shouted and threw the water in Fred's face.  
  
Fred woke up with a yawn and stretched, snapping the chains like they were tissue paper.  
  
"Ok Fred, you're free to go," Forge said.  
  
"Fred no go," said Fred.  
  
"Oh, come on, Fred," said Forge, hoping that Fred wouldn't stay around for lunch. The bill would be enormous.  
  
"Fred stay here with sheriff Forge, be sheriff's first man," Fred said. "Fred impressed, have deep feelings for sheriff Fred,"  
  
Remy chuckled. "Better watch out, big fella," he said to Forge. "Remy t'ink Fred's taking a fancy to you,"  
  
Forge got a look of fear on his face at THAT thought. It's just the script, it's just the script, he thought, trying to calm himself down.  
  
Fred looked at them curiously. Finally, he figured out what Remy meant. "Fred straight!" he said, throwing out his arms and accidentally punching Forge and Remy in the stomach and knocking them over. He walked over to a bench and sat down. The bench groaned under Fred's weight but managed to hold together.  
  
"Listen, Fred," said Remy. "Maybe you know. Why's a high-roller like Pietro Lamar interested in Bayville?" he asked.  
  
"Don't know," said Fred. "Got to do with where choo-choo go,"  
  
"Fred, why would Pietro Lamar care about where the choo-choo goes?" Forge asked.  
  
"Don't know. Fred only pawn in game of life," Fred said, a deeply philosophical look in his eyes.  
  
"Choo-choo," Forge thought. "I think this might be a good time to mosey out to where they're workin' on the railroad and maybe do a little snooping,"  
  
"Cut!" Jamie said, already starting to get set up for the next scene. They were taking a torrid pace in their shooting.  
  
As soon as Jamie said 'cut', the bench gave way and Fred collapsed to the floor.  
  
"I guess you'll have to have somebody in props replace that?" Forge asked.  
  
"No, we'll just wing it from here. Now hurry up and get ready for the next scene," Jamie said. 


	12. Pietro's closeup

Jean and Scott walked up to Jamie, who was fast asleep in his director's chair.  
  
"Jamie, wake up!" she said, shaking him a bit.  
  
"Hmm, is it dinner time yet?" Jamie asked, still half asleep. The hectic schedule from the previous night had exhausted him. His clones were curled up on the floor, napping, and just as tired as the original Jamie.  
  
"Let's just leave him alone for a bit," said Scott. "Maybe this way, we can go back to Todd Fan's set and get Mutants in Tights wrapped up,"  
  
"Good idea," said Jean, who honestly needed a break from filming this parody anyway.  
  
At the words 'Todd Fan', however, Jamie immediately perked up. "I heard that!" he yelled, and jumped out of his chair and started waking up his sleepy clones.  
  
"You, start working on the lighting for this next scene," he said to one clone. "You spin up the cameras, and you get me a triple espresso, extra sweet,"  
  
"Where does he get all this energy from?" Scott wondered.  
  
"Hey, has anybody seen Number 2?" Jamie asked. Number 2 was his smartest clone, who at the moment was nowhere to be found.  
  
"Actually, I think I," Jean started to say. "Shh!" Scott quickly said, nudging her in the ribs. "We don't want to give that away yet!"  
  
"Oh, right. Sorry," said Jean, remembering the deal that had just been made that would make their lives a whole lot better. "I mean, I haven't seen him since yesterday,"  
  
"Oh, why can I never keep track of all my selves!" Jamie groaned as he started to set things up for the next scene. The Danger Room doors open and the actors, who were all much more well-rested than Jamie, started to trickle in for the day's shooting.  
  
X  
  
Evan wiped the sweat off of his forehead and took a sip of water from the well. It had been another typically hot day of driving railroad spikes, and he was as bored and tired as ever.  
  
As he drank, a shadow fell over the well. He looked up and saw the most pleasant thing he had seen in days; Forge was sitting on a horse, smiling down at him, with Remy by his side.  
  
"Forge!" cried Evan as Forge climbed down. Forge and Evan embraced tightly.  
  
"You shifty mutie, they said you was hung!" Evan said.  
  
"They was right!" Forge laughed.  
  
"Hey, look at that star!" Evan said, pointing at the sheriff's star on Forge's shirt. "Woowee, civil service!"  
  
He and Forge slapped hands again, and Evan leaned in to get a closer look at the star.  
  
"Hey, back off, scamp!" Forge said with a grin. "You are addressin' the duly appointed sheriff of Bayville!"  
  
"Bayville?" Forge asked. "Hey, the railroad's goin' through there,"  
  
Before Forge could follow up on this tip, he heard several whoops of delight. He turned to see the rest of the mutant railroad workers running up to greet him.  
  
The smiling workers mobbed Forge, and Evan had to hold them back to keep Forge from being trampled.  
  
"Hey, back up off the brother!" Evan said. "Don't you mess up his fine threads!"  
  
The reunion was interrupted by the sound of galloping horses. Forge looked up to see Lance, Toad, and the rest of the outlaws riding up fast.  
  
"Well holy mother of pearl!" Lance said as he looked at Forge. "It's that mutie that went and hit me on the head with a shovel! Now what the hell do you think you're doin' wearing that tin star, boy?"  
  
"Watch that boy shit, redneck," Forge shot back. "You are addressing the duly appointed sheriff of Bayville, not some blind beggar,"  
  
Jamie was too tired to say anything about this latest reference to Todd Fan's parody.  
  
"Well if that don't beat all," Lance said. "We take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the west, and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff who's more of a mutie than any Indian! I am depressed,"  
  
"Excuse me, Mr. Taggert," Toad said. "I sure do hate to see you this way. What if me and the boys were to shoot that mutie dead? Would that cheer you up?"  
  
"That might help," said Lance.  
  
Toad drew his gun. "Alright boys!" he said. "On the count of three,"  
  
The other outlaws pulled out their guns and aimed them at Forge.  
  
"Remy wouldn't do dat if he were you," Remy said.  
  
"Don't pay any attention to that honkie," Toad said, dismissing Remy with a laugh. "He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot one. Now, one, two."  
  
"Remy warned you," Remy said, and reached in his holster and pulled out a deck of cards. He charged several of them up and tossed them at the outlaws. The cards exploded and knocked all the outlaws' guns away.  
  
The railroad workers started cheering and slapped Remy on the back as the outlaws held their hands in pain.  
  
"Well don't just stand there lookin' stupid, graspin' your hands in pain," Forge said. "How about some applause for the N'Orleans Kid?"  
  
The outlaws reluctantly applauded as the workers continue to celebrate.  
  
X  
  
Later, Pietro had Kitty tied up in his office. Kitty had agreed to fill in for Rogue, who was now undergoing speech therapy to cure her of her lisp.  
  
Pietro paced around the room while Lance looked on.  
  
"Alright, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar," Pietro said. "It's time to act and act quickly. All of my plans have backfired. Instead of the people leaving, they're staying in droves!"  
  
"Why don't you admit it?" asked Kitty. "He's too much of a man for you, believe me, I know! You're gonna need an army to beat him! You're finished. Ferdick, ferfallen, ferlumpt, ferblundgen, ferkackt!"  
  
Pietro smacked Kitty. "Shut up, you teutonic twat!" he said. "I must think!"  
  
"Nobody calls me a twat! I'm outta here!" Kitty said, and phased through the ropes and left the set. Pietro ignored her, since she was done in the scene anyway.  
  
"Wait a minute, she said army," he said. "That's it! An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the west. Taggert!"  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Bayville to ashes,"  
  
"What do you want me to do, sir?"  
  
"I want you to round up every gunslinger and vicious criminal in the west," Pietro said. "Take this down,"  
  
Lance started looking for a pencil as Pietro started naming off the people he wanted.  
  
"I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits,"  
  
He took a deep breath and continued, growing more and more dramatic.  
  
"Vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits," he said, and paused again to let the suspense grow a little. Lance continued to search through his clothes and his hat for a pencil, but to no avail.  
  
"Muggers, buggerers, bushwackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bulldykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers, and mercenaries!" Pietro concluded, laughing maniacally and rubbing his hands together. "Oh yeah! That award's as good as mine!"  
  
Lance tugged on his sleeve.  
  
"What, what is it?" he asked.  
  
"Could you repeat all that?" Lance asked, finally finding something to write with.  
  
X 


	13. What are YOUR qualifications?

By the time Forge and Remy returned to Bayville, they found all the townsfolk lined up, waiting to depart. They had their wagons packed with as many props as they could carry with them.  
  
"Now just so everybody understands," Jamie said. "Those props are to be returned IMMEDIATELY after this scene is over. If I find out about Todd Fan getting her hands on any of this stuff, heads will roll!"  
  
"Hey, where's everybody goin'?" asked Forge.  
  
"Read this," said Jean Johnson, and held up a help wanted poster. It read, "Heartless villains sought for the destruction of Bayville. $20 per day, criminal record required. Apply to Pietro Lamar, an Equal Opportunity Employer,"  
  
"Hey, can we apply for this job?" asked Ray and Sam. "$20 a day would be a lot better than what we're making here,"  
  
"No!" said Jamie. "You're not fully qualified. At least I hope you're not,"  
  
"Can't you see this is the last act of a desperate man?" Forge asked the townspeople.  
  
"We don't care if it's the first act of Henry the Fifth!" said Scott Johnson. "We're leaving!"  
  
"Now wait a minute!" Forge insisted. "Wait one gosh-darn minute here! Just give me 24 hours to come up with a plan to save our town. Just 24 hours, that's all I ask!"  
  
"No!" the townsfolk shouted.  
  
"You'd do it for Steve Rogers," Forge said.  
  
The crowd gasped and reverently removed their hats as Forge invoked the name of the legendary hero.  
  
Scott and Jean looked at each other and nodded. "Alright, sheriff," Scott said. "24 hours,"  
  
X  
  
Out in the desert, Pietro, Lance, and Toad sat behind a desk, taking application for their criminals wanted ad. Scores of people had answered the call, and Pietro was interviewing all of them to find the best of the worst. Among their ranks were Mastermind, Pyro, Colossus, Caliban, and Callisto.  
  
"Qualifications?" Pietro asked as Duncan stepped forward.  
  
"Rape, arson, murder, and rape," Duncan said.  
  
"You said rape twice!" Pietro pointed out.  
  
"I like rape," Duncan said, smiling.  
  
"He'll do!" Lance laughed.  
  
"Yes, quite charming. Sign right here," said Pietro, and handed him a badge.  
  
"Next!" Lance called, and Caliban stepped forward. He was chewing on something in his mouth.  
  
"Qualifications?"  
  
"Arson, armed robbery, mail fraud," Caliban said.  
  
"Wait a minute, what have you got in your mouth?" Pietro asked.  
  
"Nothin!"  
  
"Nothin, eh?"  
  
Pietro nodded at Toad, who pried Caliban's mouth open and pulled out a wad of gum.  
  
"Chewing gum on line?" Pietro asked. "I hope you brought enough for everybody!"  
  
"I didn't know there was gonna be so many!" Caliban said meekly.  
  
Pietro pulled out a small pistol and shot Caliban in the chest.  
  
X  
  
A little ways away, Remy and Forge were watching the line from behind a tall rock.  
  
"Man, he's a strict one," Remy observed as Toad hauled Caliban's body away.  
  
"We gotta get in closer and see what's happening," Forge said.  
  
"Remy got an idea," Remy said, pointing at two figures wearing Friends of Humanity masks and sweaters standing at the back of the line. The sweaters had the words 'Have a nice, normal, mutant-free day,' written on them, along with a yellow smiley-face. "There's our ticket. Get out of sight for a sec,"  
  
Remy stood up as Forge ducked behind the rock. "Hey boys!" he called to the two thugs. The thugs turned around.  
  
"Look what Remy find!" Remy said, pulling Forge out from behind the rock by the collar. Forge had his drill set to its biggest, nastiest-looking configuration.  
  
"Hey, where are the human women at?" Forge asked. He and Remy ducked back behind the rock as the FoH thugs ran towards them. When the thugs came around the rock, Remy and Forge jumped them, knocked them out, and took their sweaters. Then they casually walked over to the line.  
  
A little while later, they were at the front of the line as Pietro finished interviewing some Mexican bandits.  
  
"Be ready to attack Bayville at noon tomorrow," Pietro instructed. "Here's your badge,"  
  
"Badges?" asked Pyro, who was dressed as one of the bandits. "Badges? We don't need no steekin' badges! Vaminos!" he called, and he and Colossus walked away laughing, clearing the way for Remy and Forge to approach the table.  
  
"Qualifications?" Pietro asked them as they stepped forward.  
  
"Stampeding cattle," Forge said.  
  
"That's not much of a crime,"  
  
"Through the Vatican?"  
  
"Kinky! Sign here" Pietro said.  
  
Forge reached out and took the pen, but as he did so, he accidentally brought his drill hand into view.  
  
Thinking quickly, Remy grabbed the drill and started to pull.  
  
"Why, Rex!" he said. "How many times has Remy told you to put your tools away after you're done building!"  
  
He pulled harder, but the drill stayed attached to Forge's arm.  
  
"Ow, quit it!" Forge said. "This is my real arm!"  
  
"Oh, sorry," Remy said. "Dey told Remy dat dis was a prop, like in Mutants in Tights,"  
  
"No, this is the real thing,"  
  
"Den how did Scott get your arm for dat last fight scene anyway?"  
  
"It's a long story," Forge said.  
  
By this time, of course, their cover had been completely blown. Lance stepped forward and jerked Forge's mask off his face for the whole world to see.  
  
"And now for my next impression," Forge said. "Pietro Maximoff!" With that, he and Remy took off running.  
  
"Hey, nobody impersonates me and gets away with them!" Pietro shouted. "After them! Seize them, catch them!" He fired his pistol into the air.  
  
"We'll head 'em off at the pass!" Lance screamed to his men. Pietro cringed and turned around.  
  
"Head them off at the pass?" he asked angrily. "I HATE that cliché!"  
  
With that, he shot Lance in the foot. Lance screamed and started jumping around as the scene wrapped up.  
  
"Cut!"  
  
"Dammit, Jamie, you said those were going to be fake bullets!" Lance screamed at him.  
  
"Did I? Hmm," Jamie said, puzzled. "Must have been a mix-up in the prop department,"  
  
"You like rape?" Jean asked Duncan.  
  
"Hey, Jean, gimme a break!" Duncan said. "I was just reading the script!" He opened the script to show Jean what he was talking about.  
  
"Get away from me, you sicko!" she screamed, and dashed away from him  
  
X 


	14. Trouble on the set

Jamie looked out over the lot where they were shooting in today. Due to the large amount of space required, they had had to shoot this scene outside. Right now, they were standing in an open lot in downtown Bayville. This lot had been the home of several movie scenes in the past, and Jamie was prepared to add another famous scene to the place's reputation.  
  
X  
  
It was late at night when Forge and Remy snuck into the railroad workers' camp, using bushes to disguise themselves. They made their way down to Evan's tent and raised the flap. Evan was fast asleep. Forge shook him gently to wake him up.  
  
"What the?" Evan asked, but Forge put his hand over his mouth.  
  
"Say hello," he whispered.  
  
"Hello," Evan whispered back.  
  
Forge nodded. "Now listen, and listen good. I want you to get all the brothers together. Round up all the lumber, canvas, paint, and nails you can lay your hands on and meet me tonight, three miles due east of Bayville. Come at midnight, understand?"  
  
"Yeah," Evan said. "You think we should Kitty them?"  
  
"No, she's still too wound up from that scene in Todd Fan's parody. Take care of it yourself," Forge said. "Now say goodbye,"  
  
"Goodbye,"  
  
"Thanks a lot, bro," Forge said, and tiptoed away from the tent. Evan woke up the other mutants in his tent and explained the situation to them.  
  
Later on, Forge and Remy arrived at the spot they had told Evan to meet them at. The citizens of Bayville were already there waiting. Forge climbed up on a boulder and addressed the crowd.  
  
"Alright, folks," he said. "I know you're a bit confused, wonderin' what you're doin' out here in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the night,"  
  
"YOU BET YOUR ASS!" came the unanimous response.  
  
"What we're gonna do, in this very spot, is build an exact copy of the town of Bayville, all the way down to the orange roof on Scott Johnson's outhouse,"  
  
"I get it!" said Sam. "When Pietro Lamar and his goons come riding in to destroy the real Bayville tomorrow, they'll actually be destroying the fake Bayville, but we'll know that it's the real Bayville, even though we'll know it's the real Bayville,"  
  
"Shut up already!" shouted the crowd.  
  
"How are we gonna do it?" Scott asked. "We ain't got the time and we ain't got the people,"  
  
"Wrong!" Forge said, and pointed to the hill. "There's why!"  
  
The citizens of Bayville turned around to see Evan leading hundreds of mutant railroad workers over the hill.  
  
"These mutants have agreed to help us make our dream come true," Forge explained. "And all they ask in return is a little plot of land to homestead. Now what do you say?"  
  
The citizens began grumbling nervously.  
  
"Absolutely not!" Jean said. "We don't want no Irish coming in here!"  
  
"Hey!" Rahne shouted.  
  
"Rahne, you're from Scotland! What are you complaining about?"  
  
"It's the principle of the thing!" said Rahne. "It's an assault on every part of Ireland and Great Britain. Ask anybody from Wales, they'll say the same thing!"  
  
"Ok, fine!" Jean said, giving up the argument. "Everybody!"  
  
The mutants cheered, and the assembled throng began shaking hands in friendship.  
  
"Oh, Lord!" Kurt prayed. "Do we have the strength to carry out this mighty task, or are we just jerking off?"  
  
"AMEN!!!" said the crowd, and set to work building the new Bayville.  
  
The people worked all through the night, and by morning, they had completed the replica of Bayville. The buildings and storefronts looked just like a movie set, but it would suit Forge's purposes.  
  
"Ok, ok!" he shouted. "We have done it! Now, let's see what we have done,"  
  
The people looked around the town, and admitted that no flaw could be found in their craftsmanship.  
  
X  
  
A few miles away, Pietro stood in front of his army of criminals. He stood on a rock and addressed them.  
  
"Men!" he called. "Today, we set out on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west! Now, you will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking a certain nomination for best supporting actor,"  
  
"Wait a minute!" he shouted at Jamie. "What's with this 'supporting' crap? I should be in the running for best actor for this! Hell, I should blow everybody else out of the water!"  
  
"Hey, I did the best I could with the committee, and this is all they would agree to," Jamie said.  
  
Pietro sighed. Best supporting actor would have to do until he could hook up with a real director. He wondered if Todd Fan would be interested in casting him in another parody sometime soon. Perhaps Young Frankenstein.  
  
"Now, raise your right hand for the pledge," he said. A group of German soldiers raised their left hands.  
  
"Right!" Pietro shouted, and the soldiers switched hands.  
  
"Now repeat after me! I,"  
  
"I!" said the army.  
  
"Your name,"  
  
"Your name,"  
  
"Schmucks," Pietro grumbled. "Pledge allegiance, to Pietro Lamar,"  
  
"To Peter Lamar," said the army.  
  
"That's Peter!"  
  
"That's Peter!"  
  
"And to the evil for which he stands!"  
  
"And to the evil for which he stands!" the army finished.  
  
"Now, go do that voodoo that you do so well!" Pietro shouted, and the army rushed off towards Bayville.  
  
X  
  
In the mock-up of Bayville, Forge realized that something seemed to be missing.  
  
"Hold it, hold it!" he shouted. "Stop the happiness, we are in trouble! We forgot one little detail,"  
  
"But nothing's missing," Scott said. "Everything's here, down to the last hitching post,"  
  
"Hey, I may play a blind man in another parody, but even I can see what's wrong here," Forge said.  
  
"There's no people!" Jean realized. The crowd began to grow worried at this.  
  
"Hey, don't panic!" Forge called out. "Now we just made a perfect copy of Bayville. Now we just need to make perfect copies of the people,"  
  
"But they'll be here in half an hour!" Scott said.  
  
"Then we got to start workin' fast! Now you start working on the dummies, Remy and Fred come with me," Forge said. "I've got an idea that'll slow 'em down to a crawl,"  
  
A while later, the army of criminals rode up to a tollbooth, sitting all by itself in the middle of the desert.  
  
"Lepetomaine Freeway!" Lance shouted, reading the sign on the tollbooth. "Now what'll that little asshole think of next!"  
  
He started looking his pockets for change and realized he didn't have any money on him.  
  
"Has anybody got a dime?" he called back to the army. Nobody else had any money, either.  
  
"Aw, somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!"  
  
Up on the hill, Forge and Remy admired their handiwork. The army of criminals had been halted in their tracks. The delay would give them plenty of time to finish their work and prepare their trap.  
  
An hour later, the last of the army made it through the tollbooth and descended on the mock Bayville, raising hell as they went.  
  
On the hilltop, Forge looked on the scene with a telescope. "They're actually buyin' it!" he said. He knelt down next to a plunger box that would set off their booby trap.  
  
"This is it, folks," he said. "Cover your ears!" He pressed the plunger, but nothing happened.  
  
"Remy thought there was supposed to be an earthshatterin' kaboom right about here," Remy said.  
  
"No, that would be too much of a giveaway," Forge said. "You think you can squeeze off a shot and set off the dynamite from here?" he asked.  
  
"Remy'll give it a try," Remy said.  
  
He stood up, walked over to the edge of the cliff, and took out his deck of cards.  
  
"Oh Lord," Kurt prayed as Remy tried to aim. "Keep this man's eye keen, and, ow!" he said as Scott and Jean whacked him with their hats.  
  
In the town, Lance walked over to one of the buildings. He noticed that it looked rather out of place and gave it a kick. To his amazement, the whole building fell over, and he realized the trap.  
  
"It's a trick!" he shouted over the horde of outlaws. "We've been suckered in!"  
  
His warning came too late, as Remy charged up several cards and hurled them with all his might. They hit the bundles of dynamite scattered throughout the town, and there was a massive explosion that blew the fake town to bits.  
  
"Ok, folks!" Forge shouted. "Let's wipe 'em out!" He drew his gun and led the townsfolk in a wild charge into the midst of the army, and a wild brawl broke out in the middle of the streets.  
  
Kurt kneed a man in the groin and then threw up his hands in prayer. "Forgive me, Lord!" he prayed, and ran off to find somebody else to hit.  
  
Logan stood on the ruins of the fake saloon, drinking a bottle of whiskey. An outlaw rushed at him, but Logan opened his mouth and belched, and the stench knocked the man out.  
  
"You son of a bitch!" Wanda yelled as she punched an outlaw in the face and sent him flying through a window. "Wow, this is so much better than those anger management classes Father used to send me to!"  
  
Fred saw an outlaw hitting Ray over the head with a club, and pushed the man's horse completely over.  
  
In the middle of the fracas, Remy and Forge stood back to back, punching outlaws left and right. In the excitement, Remy accidentally punched Forge.  
  
"Ow, what was that for?" Forge asked.  
  
"Now we even for that archery scene," Remy said.  
  
The fight continued on, and soon it became clear that the small lot would not be big enough to contain the massive brawl. The actors began spilling out into the streets, fighting as they went.  
  
"Hey, what's going on?" Jamie shouted in alarm. "This isn't in the script! Where are you all going!?"  
  
His voice was completely lost in the fighting.  
  
"Oh no!" he cried, realizing where the brawling actors were going. "They're heading for Todd Fan's set!"  
  
X 


	15. Never give a saga an even break

X-Claimer: Hollywood had it coming!  
  
A few blocks away, another director was filming her own movie. Several men in tuxedos stood on a set of stairs, preparing for a dance scene.  
  
Among them was Bobby. He had managed to find a lawyer clever enough to void the "no-working-for-Todd-Fan" clause of his contract and had signed on to her film the moment she had asked him. This was his chance to save his own career and get away from Jamie. The music started, and he and the rest of the actors began to dance.  
  
"Throw out your hands, Stick out your toosh. Hands on your hips, Give 'em a push! You'll be surprised, You're doing the French Mistake Voila!"  
  
As Bobby jumped on cue at the 'Voila!', he tripped on one of the stairs and fell down it, knocking over several of the other actors.  
  
"Cut!" screamed the director. "Oh, the things I have to put up with to get a movie made," she muttered, realizing just why Jamie had been so eager to fire Bobby in the first place.  
  
The choreographer stalked onto the stage and made his way towards Bobby, who was standing with a sheepish look on his face.  
  
"Wrong!" screamed the choreographer through his bullhorn, right in Bobby's ear. Then he smacked Bobby over the head with the thing.  
  
"Ok, just watch me!" he said to the rest of the actors. "It's so simple, you sissy Marys!"  
  
He took up the dancing pose. "Gimme the playback! And, watch me, fairies!"  
  
The choreographer started dancing to the music. Everything went well until the end, when he accidentally stepped in one of the little pools that was part of the set. The actors gasped at his mistake.  
  
"Nobody saw that!" shouted the choreographer. "Have you got it now?"  
  
"Yessssssss," lisped the actors.  
  
"Gah! It sounds like steam escaping!" said the choreographer. "Action! No, no, wait till I get off the set first!"  
  
The actors began dancing to the music again, but they were interrupted when the walls of the studio suddenly came crashing down as the brawling actors from Blazing Mutants burst into the set.  
  
"Cut! Cut!" screamed the director. "What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set!!!"  
  
Lance walked up to him. "Piss on you!" he said. "I'm working for Matt Briddell!" He raised his fist to strike the choreographer.  
  
"Wait! Not in the face!" screamed the choreographer. Lance shrugged and punched him in the stomach instead, and the man keeled over.  
  
"They've hit Buddy!" gasped one of the actors. "Come on, girls!"  
  
The actors sent up a high-pitched, feminine scream and charged, and the melee erupted all over again.  
  
X  
  
Inside the studio's cafeteria, a crowd of tourists and actors were eating their lunches when the brawl spilled over into the room. The whole cafeteria turned into a giant food fight.  
  
"Get your pies!" shouted a waiter over the din. "Get your pies for the great pie fight!"  
  
A moment later, the air was filled with flying custard projectiles.  
  
Pietro stepped out of the men's room, still in costume, and ducked as a pie whizzed by his head.  
  
What's going on here, he wondered. Then he saw several actors from the Blazing Mutants set in the mix of things, including Forge.  
  
"Oh no!" he moaned, and dashed back into the bathroom. He emerged a second later, his face covered in lemon meringue.  
  
Pietro ran out of the cafeteria as the brawl moved out into the studio parking lot. He crossed the street and got into a cab.  
  
"Drive me off this picture!" he told the cabbie.  
  
The cab drove off. A few moments later, Forge rode out into the street and took off after Pietro's cab.  
  
X  
  
Pietro's cab pulled up at the curb of Bayville's Great China Theatre. He pushed his way past the line waiting for tickets.  
  
"One, please," he said, holding out a few bucks and his student ID. "Student rate?" he asked.  
  
"Are you kidding?" asked the ticket-taker.  
  
Pietro grumbled and paid the rest of the ticket fee, and walked toward the doors.  
  
Nearby, several tourists were admiring the numerous feet casts on the sidewalk.  
  
"Look, Herman!" said one excited woman. "I'm standing in Peter Lorre's shoes!"  
  
"That's Pietro Lamar!" Pietro snapped as he walked by and into the lobby.  
  
He quickly walked up to the snack bar, hoping to get inside the theatre before Forge caught up to him. "Raisenettes!" he said to the cashier, paid, and went in the theatre.  
  
A few minutes later, Jamie arrived outside the theatre. He looked up at the marquee, which read "Blazing Mutants" in bright yellow lights.  
  
"What the hell?" he asked. "How is it here? We haven't finished shooting yet!"  
  
To add to his bewilderment, he saw one of his clones walking out of the theatre, carrying a fat check in his hand and script in the other.  
  
"You!" Jamie shouted to his clone. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Getting paid," said the clone. "What does it look like?"  
  
"But how did you get the movie here before it was finished?" Jamie asked.  
  
"Oh, I borrowed a little trick from Mutantballs," said the clone. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go cash this check of mine,"  
  
"That's my check!" Jamie said. "I made this movie!"  
  
"Oh, did you?" asked the clone. "Then explain why the marquee says 'Produced by Todd Fan' on it?"  
  
Jamie looked up at the marquee and saw that Todd Fan's name was indeed listed in the credits.  
  
"What did you do?" Jamie asked his clone angrily.  
  
"I sold her the rights to the picture, of course!" said the clone. "Why waste all that time going to film school when we can get rich the easy way?"  
  
"You've been working for her all along, haven't you, you dirty double crosser!" Jamie said accusingly.  
  
"Well, duh!" said the clone. "How do you think she was able to finish Mutants in Tights so fast!"  
  
"You traitor! I'll kill you!" Jamie screamed, and started chasing his clone down the block.  
  
X  
  
Inside the theatre, Pietro found an empty seat and looked up at the screen. He was watching the end of Blazing Mutants, even though it had yet to be filmed. This was due to the marvelous new technology that Jamie's clone had borrowed from Shel and the rest of the team working on Mutantballs.  
  
Pietro spit out his Raisenettes as he saw Forge ride up to the theatre on his horse.  
  
"Shit!" he yelled, and stood up and left the theatre.  
  
Pietro dashed out of the lobby, but he didn't get very far. "Freeze it!" he heard.  
  
Sure enough, there was Forge, still in costume.  
  
"Ok, Lamar, go for your gun!" Forge said.  
  
"Wait!" Pietro said, throwing up his hands. "I'm unarmed!"  
  
"Alright," said Forge. "We'll settle it like men," He dropped his gun on the pavement and put up his dukes.  
  
"Oh, hang on a moment," Pietro said, remembering the pistol he had on him. "I just remembered, I am armed!"  
  
He started to pull the gun out of his vest pocket, but Forge was too fast for him. Forge dove onto the ground, grabbed his gun and fired. The bullet hit Pietro between legs.  
  
"Ah!" Pietro moaned as he crumpled to the ground. "There goes my Golden Globes nomination!"  
  
Pietro landed on a foot-cast of the famous actor Douglas Fairbanks, who had been a stuntman despite his small shoe size.  
  
"How did he do such great stunts with such tiny feet?" Pietro wondered, and then collapsed next to a fresh pool of cement that was waiting to be engraved. Thinking quickly, Pietro traced out the name 'Pietro Lamar' and a dollar sign before he passed out from the pain.  
  
Remy walked up and looked at Pietro, lying facedown on the pavement.  
  
"Wow, you shot de bad guy," he said.  
  
"Don't act all surprised," Forge said. "Besides, yours was an accident!"  
  
"Yeah, you be right about dat one," Remy said, referring to how his fight with Scott had ended up in Mutants in Tights. "So what do you wanna do now?"  
  
"Let's catch the end of the flick," Forge said. Remy nodded his head and they both walked inside.  
  
X  
  
Up on the screen, the end of the movie was playing. The townsfolk were back in Bayville, and Forge was sitting on his horse, ready to depart.  
  
"Sheriff, you can't go now," said Scott Johnson. "We need you,"  
  
"My work here is done," Forge replied. "I'm needed elsewhere now, wherever outlaws rule the west, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice,"  
  
"BULLSHIT!" shouted the crowd.  
  
"Ok, you caught me," said Forge. "To tell you the truth, it's gettin pretty damn dull around here,"  
  
"Good luck, Forge," said Kurt, starting to cry. "And God bless!"  
  
"Oh, Forge!" cried Fred.  
  
Forge turned his horse to leave. "So long, baby bro!" he said to Evan, and slapped him five. "Keep the faith, brothers! Keep the faith!" he called as he rode out of town, the crowd's cheers ringing in his ears.  
  
X  
  
As Forge came to the outskirts of town, he passed by a solitary figure, holding a tub of popcorn in his hand.  
  
"Where you headin', cowboy?" asked Remy, lifting his hat from over his eyes.  
  
"Nowhere special," Forge replied.  
  
"Remy always wanted to go dere," Remy said.  
  
"Come on," Forge said. Remy smiled and climbed on his horse, and the two men rode off through the desert. After a few yards, they climbed down from their horses and walked over to the limo that was waiting for them. They got in the car and the chauffer closed the door, and they drove off into the sunset.  
  
THE END  
  
"Wow, Remy love a happy ending," Remy said, wiping a tear away from his face.  
  
"What a film!" said Forge. "I wonder how much Jamie will make for it?"  
  
"Oh, didn't Todd Fan tell you?" Remy said. "Jamie's clone sold the rights to her,"  
  
"What? Why don't I ever hear about these kind of things?" Forge asked. "When was she going to tell me that?"  
  
"Well, she wanted it to be a surprise," Remy replied.  
  
"Man, she gives me no respect!" Forge complained. "First she makes me be a blind man, then she gives Kurt MY part at the end of Mutants in Tights, and now this!"  
  
"Remy be sure dat it'll work out," Remy said. "Now come on, we gotta get ready for Mutantballs,"  
  
"What part are you playing?" Forge asked. He had already been stuck with the role of Prince Valium for that film, and he was seriously considering firing his agent for landing him such a lousy part.  
  
Remy whispered in his ear.  
  
"Damn it to hell!" Forge shouted as they walked out of the theatre. "Why do you always get the good parts?"  
  
"Must be Remy's natural suave charm," Remy said. "Dat and de fact dat Remy can speak wit' a real Cajun accent!"  
  
XXX  
  
That's the end of this wonderfully silly little parody. Thanks to all the readers and reviewers, and a special thanks to Todd Fan for all her support and for putting up with all the dueling I worked into this story. Have a fabulous summer, everybody! 


End file.
